The Colour Purple

Happy Birthday to me

2012-02-23T13:17:00.000-08:00

~~Happy~~ Birthday to me. I don't know at this exact second what to do. I am home alone, on my birthday, and missing my mom so much, I feel paralyzed. I feel sad so sad. My dad just brought me some flowers, and stayed for less than five minutes, I thought he might come and take me out for lunch, I think it is just too much for him today too. How do you ~~CELEBRATE~~
when the one person who was there, gave birth to you that day is now gone. I have been struggling for days and today I knew would be tough. I am crying and it's my party so I will if I want to.

I appreciate my life and those wonderful people in it. The beautiful and thoughtful home made gift which reminds me I am forgiven beloved righteous holy reborn and remade. The purple flowers, the the beautiful thoughts, handmade cards, and the elegant Orchid. All so amazing and God given. Today though I miss her. I miss her laugh, her smile, her hug, her embrace and I love you anyway heart. I miss my mom. Life is so strange without her. It is so different and somedays so lonely despite the awesomeness around me.

Last year on my birthday we had pizza at my parents. My mom didn't feel well enough to go out. The day was super special to me and I wanted to be with her. I didn't want it to be the last birthday I would spend with her, it was though. I try to think of the good memories, the strengths she instilled in me, the love for life and creating. Yet somehow that only makes me miss her more. I just want my mom. You know how we feel when things just aren't right and we just want a mom hug. Yep that is today. So I am feeling sad, missing her every minute, wishing for just a glimpse of her smile, her gentle hand on my shoulder, her sipping coffee with me. Mom I miss you so much and it isn't fun having a birthday without you.

Yesterday lent started and instead of giving up something...I am going to incorporate exercise into everyday. I am hoping to continue this past Easter and do something for me and God. Time to walk and talk with God and get moving. I wish I could walk with my mom, and someday I will on streets that are golden. Till then I will take one foot and place it in front of the other and remember how blessed I am, that my mom loved me like she did. That she taught me to love others, to be gracious ( God and I are still working on this one) and that she would want me to be happy and enjoy the day, despite missing her.

I guess getting it down in print helps me to see, helps me to move beyond the tears and the feelings of being stuck. I just know that I am different. I am changed. I am missing you mom, and everything about you. You are such a huge part of who I am and I am so thankful that we had the time we did. The relationship that I will treasure and pass on to my daughter. Thanks for being you, for having me, loving me , raising me to be me. I Heart you mom and with each day I grow a little more. I know that Jesus is doing a good work in me and that He will get me through the tough times, dry my tears when I am alone and be the salve that heals.

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday dear Sheri, Happy Birthday to me. As my little sister would say...Go and make it a great day...

Pity Party...for now...OVER.

Happy Birthday Sheri...You are BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE LOVED!

Freedom is Sweet

2012-02-22T13:03:00.001-08:00

So a few weeks back I wrote here that I was giving up Y&R (favourite & only soap I watched) and the Bachelor because while watching I would use food and numb out. So here is an update. I discovered that the eating is also a problem in front of the computer screen and now that I have discovered PINTREST...yikes. So the using food is a problem in several situations. So ...here we go. Now the challenge is to not eat in front of a screen. SO if you are going to eat Hagen Daz right out of the container...you will do it sitting at the table. OK well that is no fun right. So . . . in learning, and making changes I also stumble. Last week I sat down with the ice cream and oh look at that....Y&R is on ...after 5 minutes I asked myself...WHY? STOP this and got up, hit the clicker and returned the ice cream to the freezer...carry on with your day. Then on Monday 10:45am same thing...ohhhh ahhh Y&R in 15 minutes...ice cream couch, clicker all set. 10:47...phone rings...I could ignore it...I answer. Donna says what are you doing...me...sitting on the couch eating ice cream...Donna-want to meet me for a walk?
Me...YES. (this was Divine intervention...I could have ignored the phone, said No to the walk...yet I didn't.) Stumble yes...FAIL no. God is good. He loves me, He wants me to have victory over this compulsive obsessive eating. HE wants me to surrender control, He wants to HEAL me. PRAISE GOD. My friend Mandie shared a scripture with me last night... 1Corinthians 10:13 it says...NO temptation has seized you except what is common to man.And God is faithful;he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Here a few shots from my lovely walk in the woods with my friend, and our dogs.

So part of freedom session is completing inventories, of strengths, people and situations that have hurt me and of those I have hurt. Closet Inventory of the last 10% that you are never going to tell anyone. Then you meet with your sponsor (mine was so FABULOUS) and you read off your inventories. So up until yesterday I still hadn't written down my closet inventory. I wasn't going to share that.

Miracles do happen! So today I had that meeting with my sponsor...guess what...sharing life and love and confession to another person, ROCKED my world. I don't even know if I can explain how sharing that garbage from my closet inventory, the stuff I was never going to admit or tell anyone else, has shifted my perspective. I thought if I tell someone that stuff they won't love me, or even like me. I am beyond grateful for the beautiful woman who sat and listened, prayed and comforted, interacted and acknowledged, and shone the Grace of God into my life. I have been freed by bringing my secrets into the light. What an amazing opportunity God has given me to express, cry and shed my shame. It has me floating on air, PRAISING and feeling Free. Forgiveness from God. I love HIS perfect plan. Forgiving myself is something I am working on. It is a journey forsure. I love how God is changing me, one day at a time. One conversation at a time, one experience at a time. Sweet.

So now that my sponsor meeting has happened...and I am in the light I can see more clearly. I can breath and rejoice in God's Grace. I am free to dance. What a wonderful birthday present for me. I am so loving that I choose PRAISE for my one little word this year. It is right where I am and need to be.

So choose JOY, have FAITH, begin to HEAL and PRAISE. Hmmm not a chance that these words are random choices in my life. NO God sees, knows and prepares the path. I am so
grateful to be in HIS arms, to be Loved by the King of Kings. I am dancing on this mountain top. . . want to join me?

Crib Night

2012-02-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

Every month or so Craig and I host a crib night. An adult only evening to play some crib, have some great social time with friends and every once in a while celebrate a birthday. This crib night was super special as Wayne and Steph flew in from Calgary for the weekend. It was Steph's birthday so of course we had to celebrate her at the same time.
It was a great evening shared with friends, some new some old. It was fun to catch up, visit, play some crib and have a yummy strawberry margarita. Barb (a new friend) brought all the stuff and made them with fresh strawberries...now that is what I am talking about. So so yummy. It was a little too yummy and I had two. Anyway long story short, we had a fantastic time entertaining friends and sharing our evening together. 15-2 15-4 and the rest don't score. Andrea was the winner of the crib tourney winning $50!!!
We celebrated with a chocolate cake for Steph's birthday and Steph and I stayed up way too late chatting. WE have been friends for along time...pre children. We enjoyed many memories along the way...we spent my 30th birthday in Royal Columbian Hospital, waiting for Miss Megan to be born. Well on February 25, 1995, two days after my birthday and many hours of labour later...She is going to be 17 this year. Yikes. Just as exciting was the arrival of Amanda a few years later.
Long term friendships carry special gifts. Inside jokes, like HEY JILL, and Hey Sheri whats for dinner? Makes me smile thinking about the smiles and laughter we share. I so appreciate that in addition to our circle of family friends here so close to us, we have Wayne and Steph who knew that I needed them just days after my mom passed. That Wayne flew in just for a night, cause he knew I needed the friends from way back when support. I am grateful that we can be ourselves. Such a blessing. So until we see each other again, emails, phone calls texts keep us in touch and on the same page. We love you Campbell Soups!!!

2012-02-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

So awhile back I told you I was doing Freedom Session at my church. Freedom Session is a Christ based 12 Step Program. So here we are at Session 13 ( Step 4-We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) and Bam, there it is ... the truth about why I am doing this work. Inventory 4 -Abusing my mind and body. How the things I do to myself are hurting those I love.

My mind. I know that ~~some~~ ok most of the stuff I watch on TV is garbage. So starting today I am going to stop watching Y&R and the Bachelor. Yes garbage TV. Going to let it go for a couple of reasons...first of all I am committing to my Freedom Session group and taking the FILTH DIGESTION CHALLENGE, and I have been convicted by the Holy Spirit to stop watching and while watching Eating mindlessly. OK it is out here. If you are reading this, feel free to help keep me accountable. It is going to be hard. Watching Y&R has been a habit for a long time. Especially since I lost my mom as we used to sometimes watch it together while she was in the hospital and hospice. So letting go will have emotional impact, physical and also it has been the way I cope with the pain. Numbing out, checking out with my show and food. I can't believe I am writing this down, in a way exposing it. Bringing it into the light. I am going to replace that time with sitting in my scrapbook room, and creating.

I often face that critical decision each night where in my mind I say...scrap booking or checking out. So now I will take the time to be in my room, with my homework, or God's word, or time to create. NOT sitting in front of garbage TV shutting down. Whew...so one day at a time. I want to spend my time honouring God , growing closer to Him and showing Him that I am going to take steps to STOP using food and TV to check out when I am tired, feeling and believing the negative lies about who I am. I am going to ask Jesus to be there with me. He will walk through this with me. If I just allow Him into my pain.

I have since I was about 7 years old used food to shut off the sensations of pain. I still today, use food to comfort myself when I don't feel good enough, strong enough, worthy, loved or supported. I know that these are all lies, and yet for so long, I have taken solace in food. Used it like a drug or alcohol. It has been going on for far too long. I am bringing it out of the darkness and into the light. God is working on my heart, and in my life and He is going to redeem me from this pit. I am finding grace and mercy and love in the light, and in the darkness only frustration, regret and fear. Fear is a thief. It takes and holds captive. So if my God is for me, then whom shall I fear. God can do this. If I only take the step into HIS light and power. I am going to trust in him. PRAISE Him as he does a good work in me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)-For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So this week the FILTH DIGESTION CHALLENGE is to live one week without filling your mind with anything that dishonours God. Here we go. . . No mindless eating + No garbage TV=Time to Create & Honour GOD. I know that the road is long, there are bumps, pitfalls and roadblocks along the way. I am going to let go and let God, and I am trusting God to meet me here. I am His Beloved. I am His child. Even if I have to read this every single night, along with prayer I am going to start . . . stepping into the light and out of this destructive darkness that keeps me alone and fearful.

I have so much JOY & FAITH in my life. I want to HEAL, and PRAISE God for His faithfulness, love and grace. This is hard to write, hard to admit, I feel like the secret was keeping me in denial, living in my head. Making me dizzy with crazy thinking and fearful thoughts. So it is with faith that I put it down, write about it and pray that God will use this for His glory.

It is difficult for me to process comments about people's weight and how somehow their size and pounds define who they are. There are those in my life who comment on others, and I am so crushed by the expectations of "doing something about my weight". I get discouraged, pushed down and I allow it to make me feel like somehow if I am not at an ideal weight I am less. These rules and ideals that my mind has trapped, are like chains keep me from living. Well, today God is going to be in charge. I am going to take time to check in with myself, breath in, breath out and be good to myself. Rely on God's grace and mercy. I am already forgiven.

Isaiah 1:18 (NLT)
Come now let us argue this out, says the ord. No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool.

Amazing words. God's plan. Truth and comfort. PRAISE

If you read this, please pray for me. Pray for strength and patience and grace. I am hard on myself and when I stumble, or fall I let it dull my conscience , and I believe the lies. I don't want to live these lies anymore. What do you struggle with? How has God been there for you?

Oh Happy February...

My Gate...

2012-01-26T00:40:00.000-08:00

Another wet and wonderful wednesday here in Port Moody. A wonderful reminder of God's Grace today was the brief bout of sunshine this afternoon. I love it when out of the wettest day a little sun can shine. (I love when we can be outside with the children at Griffin's)
I've had some yuck come into my life this past week. Stuff that keeps coming up from the past and I am so done with drama, guilt and shame. Sometimes you have to just draw a line in the sand, set a boundary and close your gate.

I have changed the dance I've been doing for many years and now some of those dance partners are falling over their own feet. I am NOT in charge or responsible to make all these dance moves polished. I am taking a step back and doing the two step out the door.
I can do this, because I have Faith. Faith in God that He will be there with open arms, Faith that I am His BELOVED. I am okay with letting go of the illusions. The expectations. I am going to walk through the gate and close it behind me, confident that it is okay with me, and my God. I believe that I can choose to seek goodness and grace. I have Godly people in my life who are awesome resources and supports. They listen. They pray, they reflect and God uses it all for good.

I want JOY in my life, I want my FAITH to grow, and I want to HEAL. I am going to live a life of PRAISE. So PRAISE God for enveloping me in His arms, whispering in my ear, Beloved, and calming my wild heart. I am so grateful for my Faith. It has changed me, changed my life. I am so open to learning, listening and being. I am going to rest in Him. HE never lets go, through the calm and through the storm. These lyrics are real to me. Singing this song just yesterday at Freedom Session, still brings the tears...large quick wet...running down my cheeks as I sing. Reminding me how much I need God and that He is there.

This song spoke to my heart in the weeks following my mom's passing, and we sang it at her celebration of life. So each time I hear it, sing it and add it to my heart, I cry. I cry because I miss my mom and I am so totally in awe of how God has been there before, during and after...ALWAYS. He gives and takes away. I can look back now, many months later, and see God's hand on my life. This is a gift. A saving Grace. A blessing bestowed on me. He didn't have to give me the gift of KNOWING that my mom accepted Jesus. He didn't have to give me the time and opportunity to be with my mom, have the conversations and moments that are cherished in my heart for always, yet He did. He gave me these gifts and so many more.

He continues to bless my relationship with my Dad, we have learned a beautiful new way of being there for each other and for this I am grateful. My mom would be pleased. He gives me daily doses of Jayde, her wisdom and faith in God encourage me and provide my heart with many moments of laughter and joy. Tonight my son went to youth, this is a gift. I pray that God continues to use me and our church family to uphold Clayton. God answers prayer. Having our friends share a pew on a sunday morning, while listening to Pastor Chris's message on grief. God knows what we need, who we need and He is a faithful, loving Father, who never lets go.

Before difficulties occur, God is preparing the way, during those dark times, He is with me, and when the calm settles in I know that then too HE is there. I guess what I am trying to say is, that in my life, I have been hurt. I have hurt others. I am forgiven and I am forgiving. Freedom Session is an opportunity to have God take those hurts, expose them, bring them into the light so that we can deal with it together. I am praying more these days. I am leaning into God in new ways. So when difficulties are there, on my computer screen, on my answering machine, in mailed envelopes, I know it is good to take it to God. He can handle it. He can turn all things to good. So if you are having a rough go, remember that you too are loved. His beloved. His child. Gratitude and PRAISE for a God who never lets go. I take great comfort in this. I hope you do also.

Gates intrigue me. I love them all. they say different things, make me feel curious of what lies beyond. Gates for me are portals to new places, safe places that you can BE when you need to seek God and safety. I like to think that my gate is closed yet unlocked, easily opened and able to close behind me, to protect my heart. Here are a few of my favourite photos of gates...I have a friend who gave me a book about gates, I had a friend who had a dream, and in that dream I need to protect my time, my heart by fences and gates... I am drawn to them. Sometimes I want to go in, just hang on a swinging gate for awhile or just remember its beauty without disrupting what is on the other side. Gates provide a way in. A welcome in, they also can say, wait, respect the peace and space and come another day. Today I am closing my gate for now, to protect, collect my thoughts and keep close to my heart my faith in God.

Good Morning Sunshine

hello snow

home sweet home

Beautiful

Rustic; like my Heart

I Heart Gates

a gateway to heaven . . .

i love the steps to this white gate
it is about the journey to the
gate.

open and airy

This gate is overgrown . . .
reminds me of the renovation God is
doing on the gate of my heart.

Anne's Arbor

a wine curtain...I'm going to make one

i love that gates can protect what is on the other side

Jayde is so beautiful & strong
So full of God's light!

Knock knock knock ...

An ornament near our gate...when I see
Hummingbirds I smile

My 2012 one little word... PRAISE

Beloved

2012-01-24T14:01:00.000-08:00

I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. JOHN 3:16
I believe it. I believe that God loves me. Sometimes the stuff in my life, the baggage of the past, the hurts, the mistakes, regrets, harsh words, sinful habits, pile up and I start to feel, betrayed, angry, hopeless, sad, rejected, and I become weighed down by the trash. Last week I was blog surfing and found this amazing PRAISE song that I listened to and it spoke to my heart. It is called Remind Me Who I am. It is by Jason Gray. I am going to try and share it here in my blog however if I am unable please go to you tube and give it a listen.

I am His beloved. I am. It is a truth I must remind myself of daily. I have to PRAISE Him for saving me from the trash that I encounter and drag along with me. I am working through freedom session and it is hard. Making inventories of people who have hurt me, those I have hurt and wronged. All of it is worth it for the freedom that God promises us. Only He can forgive, and cleanse. Only He can make us new. Only He can redeem. So when I listen to the lyrics of the this song and the watch the video that goes along it does remind me. I am so in awe and PRAISE of God and his Grace and Mercy. How by seeking Him daily, I can be reminded that I am His Beloved.

I am exploring PRAISE. I am trying each day to be thankful. To sing PRAISE, to meditate on it and read the scriptures to find truth. I have been walking through my life with guilt, shame, anger, and roots of bitterness. Through prayer, PRAISE, freedom sessions and fellowship, I am slowly being forgiven, and am healing. I am forgiving. The hardest of all to forgive is myself. I am working on this through writing, creating, breathing, PRAISING, and just hanging out with myself and God. It is hard. I am NOT alone. I have a fantastic counsellor who I see each week. Being in her office is peaceful, safe and even when the clouds outside obscure the view, it is a good day. A piece of time for me and working through my pain. I appreciate that I have this blessing, an opportunity to explore me, my feelings, my thoughts, myself. So that day by day, I am feeling the healing and the progress of growing closer to God. Closer to understanding me. I do love life. My life. My ups and downs, the ins and outs. The relationships I hold so close to my heart. My gifts, my struggles the smooth and the rough. It is my life and I'm learning to PRAISE! Praise that each day His mercies are new.

PRAISE for the rain as it pelts down outside my window. PRAISE for God and His plan of eternal life, good news, and forgiveness. I am grateful I am thankful. I want to be a light for God and to serve Him with Joy. By giving of my time, using my faith and my witness for Him. I am his Beloved. I am his child. Living life in PRAISE brings blessings. The rain which is wet, dark, cold, is a blessing. It too is beautiful if we just can look at it in the light of PRAISE. It washes the world, fills the streams, brings snow at higher levels, which will melt later to provide us with water we need. Cold means we can bundle up, snuggle under the covers, enjoy indoor pursuits, like reading, blogging, scrapbooking, and PRAISING. The harsh rain outsides allows me to appreciate the light inside my home.

PRAISE for my dad who arrives at my door in the middle of this post to bring us a little wooden box made to house the nutcracker music box from the Greaves family. A gift for Jayde. Special & Sweetness. Time for a coffee and a visit. Time to PRAISE and remember mom, who is remembered with each deep, strong cup of coffee we share.

Finding ways to practice PRAISE. Real and authentic. PRAISING God for friends, who you love and love you back. Friends who are family. Friends who support you, push and pull you along, cry with you, remember with you, have love and laughter. Sharing wine, meals, scrapbook days, birthdays flooding, illness and passing, stories and life's day to day. PRAISE. So happy with my word choice for the year. Love exploring it and just feeling so in touch with it as I begin 2012. I especially love to think of it while I am in Calvary, closing my eyes and listening to my church family singing HIS PRAISe. That is what I imagine my mom doing in Heaven

Truth John 3:16

one little word 2012

Sweet Saje

One Little Word

2012-01-15T15:26:00.000-08:00

Happy 2012. Where has the time gone? Here we are half way through January already. I am blessed and grateful for having a place to express myself in text. Here on my blog, through my scrapbooks and creative pursuits, with my family, friends and my church. I am happy to say I have chosen one little word for this year. PRAISE. This word found me, as I sat in Calvary listening to the voices about me, PRAISING. Singing God's Praises. Specifically the song was He NEVER lets GO. This song has had deep meaning for me, resonating with my heart since I lost my mom. So when I hear it in church, on my ipod, at Freedom Session, it brings me back to the reality. My mom is gone to heaven. I am here, and with the Grace of God, going on, growing, raising my children, helping and loving others, trying to find healing and freedom in God's amazing grace.

So PRAISE has been coming easy for me in the months since I lost my mom. I believe it has been God's plan to love me, teach me, grow me, mould and shape me since the beginning of time, and I am so feeling it in my day to day life. Some days are bleak, really sad and just hard. Some days I smile, laugh and find the joy despite my longing to have my mom present in my life, and on both days I KNOW that GOD is there. Knowing just what I need, there, drawing me into His peace. His comfort, His grace. For this I give Him PRAISE. He is worthy of all PRAISE. High adoration, paying tribute to, speaking highly of, expressing admiration, singing, glorifying, honouring, exalting, giving thanks to...PRAISE.

I want my word PRAISE, to remind me, spur me, wake me up to the fact that I owe God all the PRAISE. He is in charge, He is guiding, loving, sustaining life. PRAISE be to God. Each day I want to breath it, feel it, imagine it and give it. I want more of Him in my life. I want Him to reveal Himself to me. I am choosing PRAISE.

Confucius -Words are the voice of the heart.

Having a word, helps me focus, invites that word into my life. In past years I've invited Joy, Faith and Heal into my life. Last year I wanted to journal and create a scrapbook on my word through ONE LITTLE WORD class by Ali Edwards, I started it, and didn't get beyond the second prompt. My mom was sick...I was distracted. I cared for her, savoured each moment with her, was awed by her strength, her sense of humor, her acceptance of Christ as her Saviour. God's gifts during this time, were tangible. Open this up Sheri, here, look and see. I was and am given such gifts of grace, it is difficult to describe or explain. I just know that HIS hands are open and offering me peace.

So this year, as I continue to HEAL, build my FAITH and experience JOY, I am going to really live PRAISE. He reveals Himself to me in many ways, never more though than when I am PRAISING Him. The music and prayer of my heart is to have an attitude of PRAISE. For the sadness that lingers, the lonely moments without her smile, it is God who enters into that space and brings me to Him. Thank you Jesus for loving me. PRAISE, PRAISE the Father PRAISE the King...

So as we head into 2012...have you thought of or considered a word to focus on, invite into your life? May you experience Joy, find Faith, and Heal. I'm PRAISING Him for this and so much more in my life.
Below are photos that remind me to PRAISE.

Love this girl. She makes me laugh, smile, cry, gives me
grace, gratitude and reminds me to PRAISE!

Playing in the snow wearing pjs and a housecoat for a jacket.

snow much fun

beautiful winter scape

springs beauty, a reminder of my mom

Happy Birthday Mom

2011-12-22T00:04:00.000-08:00

There is only 20 minutes remaining . . . of today. My mom's birthday. The first one without her. As an adult and since I have been a mother, I liked to buy my mom flowers on MY birthday to say thanks for having me, raising me & loving me. On her birthday we celebrated her.
Today I woke up to a quiet house. Only my dogs were home. Husband at work. Children at sleepovers...My first thought, which has been the same most days since May was my mom. Missing her is hard. I think oh ya she isn't here, this isn't a bad dream. She really is in heaven and I am here without her. It just seems wrong, awkward, and unnatural. This morning though I thought, I miss her, yet I felt good. I smiled. (After a call from my aunt yesterday, I cried and cried and hugged Jayde and then we both cried), so it was good that today I smiled. When I arrived in my kitchen the brilliant December sunshine was overwhelming. So warm, and beautiful streaming through the glass. Thank you mom. I needed that. The reminder that through the rain and storms of this life, there is the promise of sunshine, warmth and LOVE.
So on your birthday mom, I am reminded of how much you loved me. How you told me when I tried to apologize for times I wasn't a great daughter that to stop, it wasn't confession time...YOU LOVED ME ANYWAY. To have your mom tell you that, to say it and believe it. A gift from God. My mom told me everyday that I was with her in the hospital and in the hospice how grateful she was to have me there with her. What a gift it was. How she couldn't express how thankful she was. It was time I wouldn't trade. Time that taught me and moulded me into who I am supposed to be right here right now. God did that. He provided and He strengthened and today He continues to carry me in the direction I need to go, so that I will be prepared for tomorrow.
I am so grateful for being able to experience life. The highs and lows and everyday in between.
I am grateful for those that God has brought alongside me, to challenge me, comfort and encourage me and to tell me to suck it up. It isn't all about you. You can do this. I will be here for you and with you. God has provided. Family and friends have been the hands and feet of Jesus, never letting me go. Grateful so grateful.
So on your special day mom, I really missed you. Spending time with Dad and Jayde was awesome, having Allen join us for lunch was great. Having a theatre night with friends, was a wonderful time. Celebrating you mom. Remembering your grace and beauty, your hugs and love, your smile and laughter. It was a good day. It was full of life and you were in it. Love you sweet mom. I'm sure the party in heaven was spectacular.

Celebrating Together

November Sunshine

2011-11-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

Last week at this time I woke up to the Beautiful view of Gun Boat Bay. How totally blessed am I. I was sharing the long weekend with my friends on our annual mom's weekend. Sigh. I find it hard that it is over for another year. It was everything I imagined and more. More ...for so many reasons. It was such a gift to get away, to an amazing locale. Soak in the scenery from the warmth of the home we stayed in, and to get out in the Kayaks. In my case I also got into the water...in a brisk, take your breath away plunge, I went under (twice). I was fine, cold and wet & with a little help from my friends, laughing.

I had the best time, talking, laughing, drinking coffee (in bed...thanks Donna), reading, doing yoga(thanks Nina), watching movies, sitting by the fire, playing nertz, scrap booking, enjoying dinner by candle light and just hanging out with my friends. It was awesome and I have a few photos to share. I have posted about my friends before and what gifts from God they are. Each brings such a unique and amazing blessing to my life. Love you all so much. I feel like the months since my mom has been gone, have in part been such a reminder of how each of you loves. God prepared me for sorrow and loss by bringing each of you to me in my life, and nurturing these relationships so that I would know that I have love and support. Just saying...

So as I sit here at home, I love the view from here too. The trees dripping with the melting snow of the last few days, the smell of my coffee and the taste of my yummy peanut butter toast, the sound of my girl waking up and skipping down the stairs. The chaos of our home, strewn with Christmas boxes full of decorations waiting to be put on display. I love the racket of my two gorgeous dogs tussling together. I love the sound of the Christmas music coming from the speakers, and the sun streaming through my windows. No Kayaking for me today, I', going to stay warm and dry today. Put up our Holiday stuff, and remember with sweetness the time I had with my girlfriends. So if you are reading this and you have friends who bring so much sweetness and authentic relationship to your life...Tell them. embrace it. Life is full of so much...friends are the cherry on the top. Goodness. Grace. Laughter.

To celebrate my life, my friends and my HEALING I am going to keep a GRATITUDE journal. I am going to document my Blessings and the wonderful gifts God showers me with. I'll keep you posted. In all of this goodness I am still attending Freedom Session at my church. I know my intention was to post about this, and I will. It has just been very intense getting to know my group, hearing and witnessing such pain in life is difficult, yet seeing, experiencing and sharing in God's Healing work has blown my mind. Grown my faith in Him.

being Creative

Good Afternoon Gun Boat Bay

Our humble accomadations

Girlfriends playing scrabble on Shelley's ipad by candle light

More Scrabble players

Sunday morning Kayak ...
One of the most beautiful homes on the Bay...

Sweet sweet sweet house on the Bay & the dock I fell in from

Nina Paddling

Kayaking in my PJs

Nina Simone aka Gladys

My friends are always up for an adventure...

I love marine fog

Even on girls weekend we multi-task

Last morning woke up to the sun coming up over the hill

Fresh snow on our coastal mountains.

Heading home is always bittersweet...

I wanted more of Jesus in my life, more Grace and Laughter. I feel that God has been really preparing me for what comes next. Healing...in Christ. So powerful. My word for this year has been Heal. I signed up for an online class to document my word for the year...I started and never finished as I got sidetracked being with my mom, losing her, and grieving her. Here is the really cool thing though. I have documented it in so many ways by just living my life. I know that it will never be the same without my mom, yet in ways I can't imagine or explain, God has cushioned me, guided me, held me and provided so much in the way of Healing. Thank you God for the gift of forgiveness, HEALING, and grace. Redeeming Grace.

I love November Sunshine.

Why I love Autumn

2011-11-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

I love Autumn. I love it for so many reasons. I love how it awakens my senses... I love the crisp air as it rushes up my nose and makes the tip chilly to the touch. I love to inhale the smell of leaves, you know the one...a little musty, a little heavy. I could smell it late September and it just makes me smile. I love the sunshine as it radiates through the changing kaleidoscope of colours in the trees. The wind that takes the leaves from their home on the branches and rushes them into the air, to then gently place them like a beautiful carpet on the ground. I love the chilly air that makes me do up my buttons, throw on a scarf, stuff my hands into my pockets. I love the morning frost, so intricate and beautiful, crystals on the grass, the leaves and the top of our hot tub. Hmmmm I love fall.

I love the celebrations of Autumn. Back to school...Yipee (feeling a little melancholy that this is Clayton's last year of school) and then there is Thanksgiving. Remembering to have gratitude. Remembering to be so so thankful for all of the blessings in my life...the ones I love and the ones that push me and make me grown, think and change. Blessings... are so abundant, so easy to see, a faith, a family, family friends,two dogs to adore, a safe home, work that is fulfilling, warm socks, a scrapbook room, a church family, freedom sessions, music, God's creation...it is the blessings that we don't see at first glance that really make me believe how much God loves me. The blessing of having a mom who was always there...gone now to be in Heaven, yet God gave me the blessing of knowing...she believed, she is with Jesus now. That is one of my life's greatest blessings. Having others to walk through this with, to talk to, to cry with, laugh with, hold on to and just hug. The blessing of having one of my mom's dearest friends that promised my mom she would stay connected to me, and she does. We meet for lunch in the same place her and my mom nurtured their friendship. My Auntie Helen. Thank you for honouring my mom, and her request, for being there for me. I have known you my whole life. You brought me new PJ's every Christmas, the special cookies, the memory of how happy my mom was when you were in our home. She loved you so much. This is a blessing. Knowing that you know and serve Jesus, a bigger blessing. It is so awesome to talk to you about life and faith. This is helping me grieve and remember and find Joy in the pain.

Okay I got off track just a little...Back to Autumn...Thanksgiving, gratitude. I feel really connected when I talk about my blessings, my love of Autumn. As the weather grows, colder, often more wet than dry, I am still in awe...I love how Halloween arrives, and the memories of my mom sewing costumes for my children, coming for dinner and walking around while they did trick or treating...sipping on our Coffee and Baileys. Hmmmmm so sweet. This year, Jayde didn't have a costume sewn by my mom but wore one of my mom's fancy blouses as part of her Phantom of the Opera costume. Blessings, tradition, goodness.

I love that as November arrives, it is only days until my annual Mom's Weekend. I look forward to this every year. My friends, the travelling together to sometimes familiar places or new ones as well. I love the time we have as friends to relax, laugh, and create memories. I have posted before about these amazing friends of mine. Each one a gift and blessing from God. I love how He has pulled us together. They are there, each one, to cushion the pain of the grief I am living through. They encourage, and they love. LOVE IS LOUDER...saw that on a commercial last night and Felt it in my soul. Love is LOUDER. Love is LOUDER. So so true.

Then comes late November, colder, wetter, more blustery...as we approach Christmas I know this year will be tough. It will be hard, bittersweet, full of tears both sad and joyful. I am preparing through prayer, freedom sessions, and faith for this coming storm. I miss my mom every single day. I miss her calmness, laughter, common sense, giving heart, her non nonsense pitching in to help. I miss her with Jayde, I miss having her in my living room, watching hockey or reading to Jayde or listening to Clayton play his guitar. I miss having coffee with her, hugging her, and sometime I wake in the night and I cry. I cry because in my dreams, she is there. The other night in my dream I was struggling with a decision and then I thought, I'll just ask mom. I woke up and realized that I won't ever be able to ask her again. I have to get up and go on, knowing that she did all she could to prepare me to be a mom, a wife, a friend. Thank you mom for the blessings you brought to my life. For dropping me off at the back door of the local church for Sunday school and for giving me a wonderful life. My heart aches for you in this my favourite season...yet God is there, each day providing me with the faith, family and friends to go on. I know you are in God's hands, in Heaven's choir (Jayde reminds me) I am sure. Miss you mom, especially during my favourite season of all.

SONDAY. So Blessed. <3<3<3

a little email from Mindy

2011-10-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

So I have to make this fast...I have to get to work (my goal is trying to be on time). I was going to do a blog on my grief. This week has been tough...walking out of Walmart, the pain of not having my mom was physical an I felt like the breath had been sucked out of me, waking in the middle of the night, having tears and sadness, a painful twisting in my gut when a daycare child showed me a drawing and said "I am a great artist" (it all reminds me of my mom, and how much I miss her.) At times I wish I was back in the Hospice, caring for her, that was so easy compared to not having her here. The more time that goes by, the deeper my grief seems to go. I am sure God cushioned me in those early days and weeks, and now He is guiding me through it, being there to remind me to let HIM be my all.

Anyway...I received an email today in my inbox, which I eagerly clicked on...because I always love to hear from Mindy. It was such a blessing to read all that her and Lyle are building in such a far away place. How they are building relationships with students and showing them how to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Helping make sandbags for an orphanage which is experiencing flooding...I was touched by the Holy Spirit. To step back and remember that although my grief is painful,something I am walking through each day, I am really so so much more than that. I am a mom, trying to teach my children, I am a wife (trying really I am) to be a help and support to my very hard working husband. I am a friend, a mentor, an employer a child of God. I can do anything through HIM. So instead of writing only about my pain, my grief, the tears of my sweet girl who is slowly starting to let out her pain and loss just now, I am reminded to trust in my God. To let my friends show me love and compassion. Just last night my friend Donna showed me that I am feeling hurt and somehow I try to protect my heart and let the ANGER part through. So Donna thank you for being there, for laying on my bed with me and letting the tears come. hearing my heart, NOT just the words. For telling me about your day and reminding me that it isn't all about me, that I can make a difference in someone else's life, by putting myself aside. Thinking about others feelings and recognizing the power of the Holy Spirit to forgive, and respond in God's light not my own.

I am so grateful to Rosalin and Andrea, who text me randomly to remind me that I am loved, t cushion the sadness and the pain. I am thankful to the Thelma, Doug, Nina, Fran, Owen and Sydney for making us a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner and building on our memories together, and honouring the absence of my mom at the dinner table. I am grateful. Yes I am grieving, and I am so sad (great here come the tears AGAIN) that I have lost my dear mom. My mentor my friend, my MOM. My MOM. I miss her. She was so special to me. To Jayde . To so many people. Yet I know she would want me to take in the Joy, the Holy Spirit of God. She would want me to continue to reach others, keep smiling, keep holding that sweet girl of mine, through the tantrums the jumping up and down and the crash with tears and sobbing. It isn't easy. He didn't promise me easy. He promises me life. He died so that this life could be raised up from the dead...and for that I am SO grateful. I'm HEALing. It is hard, and so is flooding, going hungry, being alone. I have
so much and so much to give. Thanks to Mindy for the email that turned my frown into a smile, my sadness into Joy and my grief into HOPE. I love how God works in my life.
As my sister would say..."MAKE it a GREAT day."

God is Good. All the time.

Blessings

Happy Birthday Saje

2011-10-17T18:29:00.000-07:00

Life used to be so dull...then along came...

Saje...

Best Friends

Saje we love you

Hanging out in the Autumn Sunshine

feel the love

Did she really make us wear these ridiculous hats?

stopping to smell the flowers

I love this photo...SO SAJE

You are a beauty

Danger Danger Danger...my new favourite Dog Shop!

Yes a PINK DOG CAKE...
Call me CRAZY...

it was more $$ than the cupcakes for us humans...

smiles & joy

Jayde's unicorn Dog

This is LOVE

Jayde's faithful Companion

See..what did I tell ya???

Pumpkins and Saje and Sunshine....

Have a I mentioned I love Autumn?

A special card from the deGraafs

Yummy

Cupcakes

Presents and Cake and a Card OH MY

teeny tiny cupcakes...

Sarah and Saje are Buddies

Hayley loves this monkey dog!

Now as you read this, please try not to judge me, think me a little crazy or actually worry about my sanity. Yes I did have a birthday party for our dog. Saje just turned one. Our little pumpkin dog is such a perfect addition to our family. Our dog Cayenne who is 8, loves Saje and they are such a great match together. They play, wrestle,(all very loudly), cuddle and lounge together very nicely. We are so blessed to have two such wonderful dogs who bring so much to our lives. Saje actually means Healing Herb & wisdom. Interesting as my word for this year is HEAL. She really has been the Healing suave on the wounds we have been dealing with these last months. She is always there, underfoot, beside us and yes we let her sleep with Jayde most nights. She is a chewer...just yesterday she ate part of Jayde's newly acquired pumpkin from Laity farm. Grrrr...that is what we get for leaving them down low. We do provide many toys, yet for Saje anything goes...glass, red sandals, the handle of the dog brush, my tupperware measuring cups, cream containers out of the recycling bin, a newly planted maple tree...shall I go on. Still we love her...she jumps to get figs and plums out of the trees and she loves her treats. She is a delight. Her eyes are so deep and she always seems to be smiling at us. She seems to know when we need extra love and she is always keen to be loved on. She loves Cayenne, and her friend Hazel. She is just sweet.

So when I didn't really do anything for her birthday, Jayde gave me a wee bit of a guilt trip. So while she was pumpkin hunting with her friend Adam, I got a dog cake, party hats, a new toy, some chew sticks and some cupcakes for us. We had already invited the deGraafs for dinner so it was pretty much a party. It was fun to watch the dogs eat the cake, my dogs are not fussy, so they wolfed it back within minutes. We enjoyed the cupcakes and company. Hope you enjoy these sweet photos...while I was at it I got them Halloween Costumes. Crazy dog mom.

Enjoy these beautiful autumn days...the temperatures are dropping at night and we have had our first frost. Only four more sleeps until my retreat season starts...Cedar Springs this weekend and then Annual Girls weekend in November. Spoiled I am. Spoiled. By the way, I did this post between Freedom Sessions questions. They are tough questions, and you have to dig deep, search your heart and sometimes it is painful, so I needed to take a break and share some of our dog photos. Hope they brought a smile to your face like they do to mine.

Freedom Session Week Two

2011-10-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

So last night I attended my second week of Freedom Session. Whoa. I was so grateful for the
Holy Spirit. The pre-meeting prayer was powerful. The worship for me was beautiful. I find it
so easy to connect to my God through praise and worship music. Even though I am not a great singer, I love to do it. I love to open my heart and just drink in the music and lyrics. The large group teaching was very clear, easy to understand and full of truth.
Then we broke into small groups, and this is where I felt totally lead by the Spirit. God has provided a space and time for this group of women to be together, each one with a life story to share. I was astonished at the group's willingness to be open and share. Some tears, some support and comfort and a beginning to a journey that God has mapped out.

I am blessed, grateful and invested. I want to work these steps and see what my God has for me. How he wants to transform me, guide me and LOVE me. I think as I venture out I would have to say my self-esteem and feeling worth is what I am most needing to work on. God however may have other plans. I really want to get to know God more as I open my heart, my mind and my soul to Him. It is so easy to say Let go, let God. Yet for me Ms. CONTROL FREAK...I'm not always sure how to do that, what it looks like and surrendering doesn't come easy for me. Yet I have experienced HIS GRACE. He is a loving and gracious God. He has been revealing that to me throughout my life and in such real ways. I am so quick to forget, and find myself feeling inadequate and unloved, when I just need to hold onto the truth that HE loved me enough to die for me. For me. The concept that if there was no one else HE would have died just for me, is mind boggling. Each day I want to remember and record what I am grateful for. Maybe I will do that here.

Some of the questions from last night, required much searching. My heart hurts. The greatest pain in your life...Hurting others..the greatest fear...I am unworthy...the greatest challenge...finding balance, slowing down and letting God. What do I want most in life? Freedom from guilt, shame, being a control junkie, Freedom to walk in truth and not in lies and denial.

In Freedom Session there are Powertools to use to . . . God's words.

The one I want to focus on and memorize this week is Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper
you and not harm you, plans to five you a hope and a future.

Today I am grateful for my warm home. A place to stay dry, live and grow, a home
to share with family and friends. I am grateful for heated floors, good coffee, turkey

I am so grateful for a warm home.

Making Cranberry Sauce

Sharing our home. Makes me content.

I love being Clayton's mom!

I love being Jayde's mom also!!!

Friendship is a gift from God.

Family Friends

Good Times Together is a Blessing.

soup in the slow cooker and the fall rain. Friends that love me. Being a mom to Clayton and Jayde. Having time to write down what is in my heart. Thank you God for loving me.

Freedom Session

2011-10-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

Freedom Session
A gift
An opportunity
A challenge
Jesus
Healing
Through the pain
with community
&
Jesus

Well it seemed like October 4th was a long way off when I took some training for Freedom Session in late August. Now it is here. I have felt many emotions heading into this commitment. I'm feeling excited, eager,unsure, and if I am really really honest a whole lot of fear. Now if I am trusting Jesus, shouldn't the fear part dissolve? I know there are issues I have to work on. I know that I have areas in my life where the enemy is and I want him out. I want to LET GO and LET GOD. It is just I am not sure how to do this. How to take the steps of FAITH to HEAL. So begins another adventure, with my heart opening a little and my mind wanting to fling open the gate. Why is it so hard to trust, to have faith that will allow me to heal from my pain and past hurts. The ones that keep me running to food, that keep me in bondage and loss.

I am a believer. I want to have more of Jesus in my life, and actually allow Him to HEAL me. I have had such amazing gifts from my Creator, and so many times He has shown me His great love for me. Why then do I use food to comfort me when the pain is too much? Why don't I just turn to Jesus? I have been using food for so long, as long as I can remember back...Why? I don't know if I will ever know WHY. I do know that Jesus can Heal me. I know it is going to be hard, going through the pain is HARD...I know this already because I am going through it now. Slowly ...one day one step at a time. I know that each time I choose to be open and honest and NOT use the food it is one step closer to FREEDOM. Yet I stumble, I fall, I am getting up.

I find God everywhere, I meet him in the garden, on my kayak,
walking my dogs, in prayer, in the faces of my friends...

This is going to be a difficult journey... I know that it won't be easy, or all rosie and beautiful. My pain is real. I have buried it so deep. So I am going to have to start digging and praying and doing homework. YES homework...and I am praying for God's Grace. He loves me. He died for me. A wretch. In my head I know this. In my heart I have experienced His love and grace. I am not going to worry about how all this will work out. I'm going to take it week by week, try to be intentional and have integrity. I want to listen, grow, repent and be Free.

Being at Peace for me
comes with my Faith as
I work through it.

I have a love of gates, and fences.
For me they remind me of protection
and the opening of your heart. This
window is in my gate at home...
allowing God's light in.

Sometimes I feel like this gate. A little
broken and weathered. Still standing,
wanting to do the work, yet without
God, I am closed, with vines growing
around me.

The cross and friendship. The gifts God has
given me, and where miracles happen.

I love my friends. God has given me such a beautiful,
awesome, amazing, giving, selfless, embracing, real, and
wonderful circle. Thankful everyday!

Our family bible. God's word to us.
Cherish. Follow. Embrace.

One of my favourite reminders that Jayde is a gift.
Her love of God and her FAITH strengthen me, it gives
me hope and joy.

I am so grateful that I have experienced
Kayaking and being in God's creation.

My dogs are daily reminders of God's Grace to me.
They make me smile, breath and provide a sense of
playful joy & love. They ground me when I am living
in my head.

Faith in the center of my life. Trying to keep it there
and nurture it daily.

This is my pussy willow tree from last spring. My mom
loved these. I bought her one. It was a simple
joy that we shared, and now everytime I see it
bloom I will be reminded of the magical memories,
shared between us, and God's gift to me that my
mom is in Heaven, singing. FREEDOM.

In quiet moments I am blessed that
the gifts of Joy, Faith and Healing
are there.

On my garden gate... a reminder that Jesus is the KEY. That letting
others in is HEALING. That behind the gate is Healing with Jesus.

Thank you Jesus for never leaving me. I need you more each day. I am so grateful to YOU, for choosing me, drawing me to You and for the privilege and gift of being a child of God. I am a Child of God. I am a Child of God. I am a Child of God. I am a Child of God. I am loved, I am blessed, I am grateful. I am forgiven because you were forsaken. Help me Lord to reflect on this, and to Heal. To find Freedom in YOU. I am going to try and keep my focus and commitment by sharing about this journey here on my blog. Please if you are reading this, Pray.

Rainy Saturday Mornings & A Grateful Heart

2011-09-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

Once again I find myself sitting here at my computer, enjoying a morning cup of Joe (in one of my mom's china mugs) and thinking, pondering really...the awesomeness of a rainy Saturday morning. When it rains, I feel like I have permission to stay inside, and create in my scrapbook room. Check out facebook, and putter around the house. The garden and kayaks are not calling me and time on the beach or trail isn't pulling me away either. I love that the rain washes away the dirt and dust, it clears the air. I feel a real sense of washing and renewing. When I look to the left, out our old little kitchen window (which is now our office window) I see green. I see the withering leaves on my lilac bush. Soon they will be littering my patio and needing to be bagged and composted. I see the evergreens standing tall and vibrant. Closer, right outside my window I smile as I notice the leaves of the fig tree. I smile because that tree is quirky. It bends and grows so quickly. It provides figs for my friends (cause I'm not eating them), and it is where the birds love to come and sing, pick at the top fruit and where our wind chimes hang and sway. Yes rainy days are good. Time to notice what is outside my window and how it brings comfort and peace in days that are so sad they hurt. Time to take a breath, reflect on the last few weeks and jump into autumn. Summer was good. Summer was hard. Autumn is my favourite season... so I'm jumping in.

I am loving being back at work. I enjoy my work. I love my staff and families, I love the laughter and the the privilege of working with them all. We have kindergarden children this year and this is new. I haven't done kinder care since Clayton a Kindie. He just entered grade twelve. Whoa...slow down how did that happen. I have to say, it is a challenge. My grade ones are already into the routine, and have made the transitions after only a week. The little ones....are going to take some time, patience, nurturing. Thats okay though...I'm loving it. They remind me of how big the world is. How changing and uncertain things can be. I am grateful that we can provide them with a little consistency, caring and fun before and after school. Griffin's is a huge blessing in my life. I love that it has grown and I've grown with it. I love that I have been able to have my children with me at work as they went through elementary school. (even though they have often been the extra grace required children!) I don't have any doubt it is where God wanted and wants me to be. Jayde is in her last year of Glenayre, and what will I do when she moves on? I am NOT going to go there today. I think I will continue to love it, even as a little part of my heart leaves. I have to say that the best part of my day is seeing Jayde arrive and receiving her hug and excitement to share her day. Even in the first few weeks though, she requests to walk home on her own. Growing independence and autonomy. (insert lump in throat)... I'm going to miss that girl as she heads off to middle school. OK didn't I just say I wasn't going to go there. I digress...

Back to rainy saturday mornings...I love being able to ramble and get these thought out of my head and into my blog. I guess it is a HEALING thing for me. My word for this year. It has been a time of healing, and a time of grieving. I miss my mom so much. I miss her listening ear, her advice, her helping hands. Her laughter, her smile. I miss her hugs. I miss her quiet warmth. I believe that a mother's love can HEAL. I miss that. I try to turn my life towards mothering my children from the experiences that my mom provided me. It is hard, really scary actually to be without my mom. I depended on her for so much and I know that she gave me a great foundation, and life experiences to build on...I just still feel that loss everyday. I stared out writing about rainy days and somehow I end up again, trying to put into words how much I miss my mom. Well there are no words. Although each day I find more laughter than tears, I am still at a loss without her. I remember the days we were given, to care for each other. To talk and laugh and cry. I remember how gracious and brave she was. How she was honest and real. How she made me frustrated and how I wish I could take back words and actions. How I tried to say sorry and she quieted me with her love. A mother's HEALING. There they are again those big wet tears rolling down my cheeks. The lump in my throat, the sniffle of my nose. Oh how I wish I could just hold her hand, give her a hug and tell her about Jayde's funny stories. I wish she was here, listening to Clayton play his guitar, tell her how much he enjoyed his History class. (YES Clayton said he really enjoyed his History class ...I know right? Who is that kid? My mom is laughing I'm sure.)

Back to rainy saturday mornings...I guess they are healing...being able to sit, ponder, remember my mom...all healing. As the tears stop, the rain continues. It falls, and washes the earth, washes my soul and clears my head. I am blessed by the rain. Today. Today is a good day for rain. Thank you Lord for never letting go. My needs are deep and my Creator, my Friend, and Lord is there. Healing...in the rain.

Music

2011-09-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

So music is such a gift. It can bring back memories so sweet, some bittersweet. I love music. I think most people do. There is such a variety, there has to be something for everyone. My mom really loved country music and Celine Dion was a huge favourite. Several years ago, she and I were blessed to be able to go to a Celine Dion concert with Andrea and her mom Anne. Mark had gotten us tickets and they were free to boot. My mom cried through most of the concert as she had told herself just weeks before (while watching Celine on Oprah) that she most likely would never see her live. So for my mom this was a bucket list kind of event. Anyway it was fun, now though looking back it was a blessing. A memory that sticks in my mind and makes me smile somedays, and cry on others. I bought a Celine Dion album on itunes with all her greatest hits, so I could play her music for my mom on my ipod, while she was in hospital and hospice. My mom loved that. She told me which songs she wanted me to have played at her service. She soaked it in and was so appreciative of the simple beautiful gift of music. I'm sure in Heaven she is an amazing soloist. Singing to God her praises. She stuggled with cancer, more than one person should have to. Through all that though, God taught me to breath, and for that I am so grateful. I pray that I will be strong like my mom, look at life as a blessing and a time to learn what God will have for me. I hope if you read this, that you too will have the peace that knowing your Creator can provide.

My mom loved to listen to Clayton play his guitar. She was so proud of him and she had the opportunity to see him progress from a 10 year old beginner to a song writing 17 year old. His playing ALWAYS reminds me of my mom. From the first strum or pick....it brings her back to me, to my mind. It also makes my heart ache. I miss her. I miss her quiet smile as she laid listening to him play. Clayton wrote a song for her, before she passed and he would play it for her. Nana's song. It really is beautiful. It makes me cry every time. The last few times I have asked him to play it, he hasn't. I hope it isn't too difficult for him and that he really was just too busy or his guitar really was out of tune. Music for Clayton is important. He loves it and finds himself in it. So good for him. Hard too I guess when it brings it all right back. Emotions...that is what music does for me.

The lyrics are my favourite thing about music. Like "So much better when we are together, ya will look at those stars together."
And "You can count on me like one two three." or "When the morning light sings" then there is "you've got a friend in me", "I believe in memories cause they look so pretty when I sleep."
"if you had three wishes, tell me what they'd be"
Worship music is close to my heart, because when I sing I feel close to God. When I hear Jayde singing in the shower I smile. When Craig plays his music loud, it makes me a little crazy. We all have our own favourites, the ones that speak to our hearts. It is fun when they are the same ones. So go turn on some tunes...See how it makes you feel. Happy Friday.

Kayaking 101

2011-08-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

Loaded and ready to go

I love being on the water

Lilly Pad Flowers which look nicer than they smell

Donna is always up for an adventure

exploring

fun with friends

Chloe

Jayde and Carly

Baker Lake

One of my favourite places...

Tadpole Hollow

catching and release program director

Craig loves it almost as much as golf

life is sweet

a coffee, a kayak and pj's

anniversary paddle

the inlet

two little friends we stopped to visit

if you look close there is a jelly fish

Donna's house up on the hill

So earlier this summer, on my thirty day challenge I said I wanted a kayak. So this summer Craig and I got two kayaks (sit on tops) so we could do this together and with friends. I tried Kayaking at girls weekend last November and I LOVED it. It really is for me...a time to just breath, get out of my head and into God's creation. So I have been enjoying this pursuit, and it really has been HEALING for my soul. I love that it is just me, making this boat move through the water, and that you can get so close to things you might never see...
For example at Baker Lake, Donna and I manoeuvred along a small grass filled area, that was full of tadpoles. Craig and I kayaked yesterday into a "lagoon" at the inlet that Donna and Randall had told us about. Places that you might never go or see. The amazing places teeming with life, and interest. I am really looking forward to becoming better at the take down and tie back up part. That seems to be the learning curve for me. and being on the shorter side with a big truck, puts me at a little height challenge. Anyway...I might just have to see if I can't just through one of them into the back of the truck and go...I'm impulsive like that.

Anyway I wanted to share a few photos of our adventures thus far with these little Juntos boats. I love that I can take my camera and record some of the interesting things we see. Two of my favourite pastimes put together...now to figure out how I could scrapbook out there...Kidding just kidding. It does give me material for that though. I also really find that I feel close to my Creator when I am out there. The sound of my paddle as it licks the water, creating a little tornado in the water. The water as it slowly drips off the paddle and makes ripples in the water, reminds me of how the smallest of things is God. How He gives and loves us just by providing us with breath. He is good. I am blessed. Enjoy these photos...and come and have a paddle with me.

Summertime is Sweet

2011-08-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

Well...here I am finding myself blogging on a overcast summer morning, waiting for the princess of quite a lot to awake. In one short week there is going to be some serious adjustments to morning routines around here. For me, coffee on the go, no longer will I have leisure time to facebook with my coffee before work. It will be up and out the door. I had my first work meeting yesterday afternoon and it was awesome to get back into the Griffin's Groove. I have had a good summer. Full of awesome annual events, some new memories and adventures and knowing that in just one week I'll be back into the fall routine makes me smile. I have had some healing this summer and that is good. I have had tears, tough days and many opportunities to smile. For this life I am grateful. So this fall I am going to participate in Freedom Session. Our church did it last year and I am making a commitment to invest my heart, my time and my prayer into it. It isn't going to be easy, looking at myself and my addiction to using food. It is going to be hard, painful yet I know that if I invite Jesus into my pain, He can heal. Interesting how HEAL is my word for this year. So awesome is my God that He knows my path, he prepares the way. Grace and Love, Faith, Friends Family... so much to be grateful for as I forge ahead on this path. I hope to share my journey here, as tough as that will be.

Anyway, getting back to sweet summertime...last night Jayde and Sarah slept on the trampoline all night. Yes, we left the door open for them, had they needed to change their minds and come in. As I type this they are still asleep, having released the hounds at about 6am this morning. They had the dog sleep with them there (which made me feel better too). I had a light sleep, listening for them throughout the night. When I went to check on them this morning they were so buried in blankets I thought they were not on the trampoline. Alas...they were and I had to take a few shots to share. They are so precious are they not? I love the friendship these two girls have. For Jayde it is like having a cousin. I love that. They love each other and I see them really being themselves when they are together. I pray that they will remain friends and find the beautiful gifts that come from a strong, honest, friendship.

I wonder if they will be together in the same class for grade 5. How they will navigate the transitions next year to middle school. I pray. Our families are close and this is such a blessing. Family friends. So blessed to have that in our life. I love being part of a family. Being able to reach out, share, and invest in relationships that bring such joy, share in the most intimate pain and hold you up when you are a puddle. I am truly blessed beyond words and I know that God has a design in all of this. I wonder and marvel at His ways. His creation in such detail. I took some photos yesterday at Anne's place and I was just so over whelmed by the splendor, the intricate details of the flowers. The awe of it all is over whelming. It makes me WHELMED out sometimes...to try and take it all in.

So as this summer slowly (cause this last week of summer should go slowly) fades into a new Fall, I am thankful. I am grateful. I am in awe. I have so many blessings, I've been growing in my walk with Jesus and it is good. Sometimes it is painful, when I look at the past, when I realize that my mom is gone from this earth, and I feel lonely for her, I feel that loneliness for my dad...yet God keeps His hand on me, giving me a little push, a keep moving forward Sheri, you can do it, I'm with you. Together. I want to share my faith, my love for Jesus with those who don't know Him and His Healing. I pray for the words, the opportunity to be a witness and to be able to serve in my life, my church in my family.

Today Craig and I celebrate 24 years of marriage, and friendship, ups and downs. Joys and struggles, love, tears, and laughter. The laughter. Craig can make me laugh. He is there. He is a solid guy. A believer. We are blessed and as we grow, we remember. Thanks Craig for being my guy. I respect you, honour you and love you. Yes I do. Thank you for missing my mom and for sometimes just letting me lay there in your arms as I cry and remember her. It has been one of the biggest healing things for me, to walk through this with you by my side. Even though there are not a lot of words, I know I know...you are there. Thanks for loving me even when i am unlovable, for never ever giving up on us and for being my husband. Sweet Summer...

Day 21-30 Big Time Catch Up

2011-08-18T16:20:00.000-07:00

Well sorry if you were following along...I took a week long (plus) break to go camping so my thirty day challenge is sadly...behind. Here is my attempt to catch up. So Day 21 is to post a photo of something you wish you could forget. I wish I could forget this kitchen disaster that took place while preparing Shortbread dough several Christmas's ago. I won't go into details there was flour everywhere. Enough said.

Day 22
Something I wish I was better at. I don't have a photo for FORGIVENESS. That is what I wish I was better at.

Day 23 A photo of my favourite book. Our Family Bible.

Day 24-Again a photo of something I wish I could change...no photo...I WANT TO CHANGE my ATTITUDE. Be more positive, determined, forgiving, gracious....

Day 25 A photo of my day...Which should have been August 11th... hanging at Baker Lake with my family, friends and my dogs. Life is a blessing.

Day 26- Something that means alot to me...my faith in Jesus. It can get me through anything.

Day 27 -a photo you with a family member...so here is the morrowgroup@Baker Lake.
An annual trip we love to be part of. Good times, good memories...awesome Kayaking.

Day 28th something I am afraid of. Again no photo, only want to say that I am afraid of my children being hurt, physically or emotionally.

Day 29
A photo that makes you smile. PJ's, Kayaking with my cofee. Awhhhhhh

Day 30- a photo of someone you miss...well if you have been following along, you
would know how much I miss my mom. Love you mom...forever in my heart. I
think of you everyday and smile.

So there you have it...my thirty day challenge. I will get some blogging done on my camping/kayaking as soon as I can catch a moment. Until then...happy fading days of summer.

Day 20

2011-08-06T15:05:00.000-07:00

Day 20 is to post your favourite photo. No easy feat. My favourite picture...ya right. I have almost 12,000 photos on my Mac, and you want me to choose just one? Yikes...that is hard as I have so many. Ones of my family friends dogs... ok I'll pick just one...here goes... I chose this one cause it makes me smile every single time I look at it. These three (4) can be found together most weekends, doing just this. Hanging out together. I love that Jayde has friends that are like cousins. That she gets to have the same great experiences that I had growing up. Cousins, friends, Sisters from another mother...Love you Sarah and Hayley...Jayde and Saje too.

Visiting Auntie Lil

2011-08-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

This scrapbook design customized with Smilebox

Day 19

2011-08-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

A photo of somewhere you would like to travel...

Well again I would have to post so many photos. I haven't traveled very far. I often go back to the same places....(creature of habit?) I have been to Disneyland many times,never Disneyworld... I've been to Calgary, Edmonton...(never Lloydminster...my sister lives there) I've been to Vancouver Island and just last year went to Tofino and LOVED it. I love the ocean. The Oregon Coast holds special memories for me. I spent time there with my parents, my children and friends. Maybe I'll just get in the car and go there now...
I've love to explore and so travelling is one of those things i hope to do more of. It just takes money and time. I would love to go to Greece, Paris, London, Ireland . . . Halifax to visit my friend Daniel. I would love to go to New York, see some shows...I want to see the Grand Canyon...so many beautiful amazing things. Maybe Hawaii? Maybe maybe maybe...I will keep dreaming.

Anyway...have a great day....wherever you are....

Day 18

2011-08-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

My biggest insecurity. That would be my overeating. I have been seeing a counsellor for the last year, and have been working on my relationships with myself and my pattern of overeating. It is hard, scary and I have been really hesitant to slow down enough to really feel my feelings and more often than not I turn to food when I am stressed, WELMED out and just at the end of my rope. Slowly though I am learning to use my BLUE resources. To slow down if even for a little each day, to refill with quiet time, prayer, being still. For me it is a lot harder than it seems. Slowing down, stopping, taking time to just breath, reflect, listen to what my body is feeling, and to hear my Creator. He loves me, I know this. Taking time to breath that in, and let it fill me...I'm trying...one day at a time...I'm trying. Our church is doing a Freedom session this fall. I am praying about being part of that. Finding Freedom in Christ. I want to know Him more and to breath in and out with Joy. Stay tuned....

Day 17

2011-08-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

Today I am posting a photo of something that has had a huge impact on your life recently. If you have read my blog or if you know me, you will know that my mom passed away on May 7th of this year. It has had a huge impact on my life. I have blogged about this in recent months, so if you want to read previous posts you can. What I want to say today is that...today is a great day. Today I am feeling strong, happy and grateful for my faith. My faith, my family and my friends. They have a huge impact on my life during this time and I am thankful that God has been with me. Prepared the way for me and He never lets go. So thank you God, thank you Mom for raising me, inspiring me, loving me. I am Blessed. I miss my mom so much, everyday. There are days now where I smile and laugh and remember with happiness. The sadness is there, the longing to see her again, hug her, tell her about my day. I just miss her. A huge impact, a huge sadness, a huge joy, huge huge huge. Have a great day Sheri, cause mom would :-D

Day 16

2011-08-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Catch up time...I was away for several days and enjoyed every minute. It was such a great couple of days spent with my mom's sister Lil. My Auntie Lil. A part of my mom, being with her was healing, fun, always always a blessing. She knows things...she is no nonsense, beautiful, and her smile is just like my mom's. It can just make you feel good. So...Day 16 is someone who inspires you...She inspires me.
She raised four children. She worked hard, really really hard. She spent the last twenty four years of her life, married to her first sweetheart, Uncle Charlie. I love listening to her stories, her hardships turned to triumphs. Like my mom, I've never heard her complain. She survived Breast Cancer, heartbreak and raising those children. I had the blessing of having in her my life. We used to live in the same house (separate suites) When I was a baby and toddler, and for a long time we lived in Coquitlam, just a few miles apart. Her children looked after me, played with me, I love my cousins. I love seeing and spending time with them still. Auntie Lil has always been there.
She makes the best perogies, cabbage rolls, soups, potato salad, well...the best of the best. She makes memories. She answers my questions about family, about life. I am inspired by her, because she is real. She is willing to share. Thanks Auntie Lil for an awesome visit, a chance to sleep in, be myself, create new memories and remember the old. I love you. I hope you know how much. I loved having so much of your time and your heart. Thank you for being you.

Day 15

2011-08-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Sunshiney Day. Day 15...half way through this challenge. Posting everyday is good for me. I crave routine. Getting my thoughts down and out. It is helping me HEAL. So before I die I would like to own a Kayak. I would like to be able to just take off and spend some time exploring. I first Kayaked at girls weekend last year, and I am really interested in learning more about it. I loved being so close to the water, so peaceful and calm. ( I want to just paddle about...not go in rapids) Anyway...there you have it. There are many things I want to get to...like going to Europe, New York, the Grand Canyon, I want to be part of watching my children grow up, graduate, grow, serve God, marry and it would be cool to be a grandparent. I just want to continue to grow in my life, in my faith. I really want to learn more about my real authentic self. To grow deeper in my relationships SO I guess before I die I also want to do freedom session at our church. I better get off the computer! I have lots to do and be :-D.

Day 14

2011-07-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

Day 14 is a photo of someone you can't imagine your life without. This is a hard one, because the loss of my mom is still so so fresh in my mind and heart. Daily I am putting one foot in front of the other, breathing and trying to go on in a way that would make my mom proud. I miss her.
My life is different now. It is hard some days to figure out life without her. Almost everything reminds me of her. Today in church we sang NEVER LET GO and AMAZING GRACE. Both of these songs we played at my mom's service. I made it through those, and then lost in during the worship songs which brought me back to the HEART of worship. Praising Him in all the Glory he deserves. The gratitude for HIS death on the CROSS for my sins. I am a believer..
I am so blessed by the GRACE in my life, the way Jesus keeps picking me up.
I can't imagine my life without HIM.

Day 13

2011-07-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

A photo of a memorable night. Well, lets go with Jayde's 10th birthday celebration in Birch Bay. An evening spent with friends, fireworks and fun. Love ya little bug.

Day 12

2011-07-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

A photo of something you LOVE.
This is a not as easy as yesterdays post. I love more than I hate. I love my faith, my family, my friends. I Love my home, my dogs, my work, scrapbooking, the beach, gardening, entertaining, movies, kayaking, girls weekends, camping, old fences and especially gates. I love scripture, worship music, being in fellowship with other believers. I love people. I love learning, reading, blogging, laughing. I LOVE LIFE. So how do you post just one photo? I also love taking photos, if you have ever read this blog you will know that about me. I am click happy.

I recently (just this summer) met a young woman in my church. I feel so blessed to know her. I feel like we clicked and just being around her is so much fun. Her energy and love for God is contagious. She is real, honest,beautiful, insightful, creative, grounded (that word is so important to me right now) and she is also a photographer. I am so grateful that God has used her to speak into my life, into Jayde's life and that we can be a blessing to each other.

Thank you God for providing and again knowing what we need in each moment. So many gifts and circumstances that He gives in these difficult days of grieving the loss of my mom. I am so in need of my faith, my Jesus, my Saviour each step of this new life without my mom. They say it gets easier with time. That you can find more laughter and joy, less sorrow and tears. All I know is that each day I miss her. I miss her smile, her hugs, her laugh, our conversations, her advice and input. I miss seeing her with my children. I just miss her. I find it hard to talk to make sense of my world some days and how to do life without the person who has always been there, to love, listen and believe in me. (BIG BREATH). Yet each day my Faith grows stronger, my deep gratitude for God's plan of eternal life, Jesus saving work and the gift of Grace come in and sustain. It isn't always pretty . . . He is always here...each breath and each step.

I get off topic, I ramble, I carry on...ok something I LOVE...as my mom responded when asked what her favourite flower was "I LOVE THEM ALL".

Day 11

2011-07-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

A photo of something you hate. Hate is pretty strong work. The first thing that popped into my head was....are you ready for it...wait wait wait...Ok...here it is...

I know this might seem like an odd thing to dislike (STRONGLY) ...I have an allergy to it and it is itchy, rashy, skin irritating, peeling, icky, situation...Really could do without the stuff.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Day 10

2011-07-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

The person who you do the weirdest things with...

Shhhhh I won't tell all our secrets... Love you Donna

Day 9

2011-07-26T16:47:00.001-07:00

A photo of what has gotten me through the most. . .

Day 8 A photo that makes you LAUGH

2011-07-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

How could this not make you laugh. This girl can make me laugh like no other. She has a great sense of humor and wit just like her Nana. She can make a cloudy day better just by smiling. She loves life and enjoys a good laugh. I love to laugh and doing it with Jayde makes it sweeter for sure. Love you monkey. Keep smiling.

Day 7

2011-07-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

A picture of your most treasured item.

My Faith . . . somedays is the one thing that I have that gets me through the tough stuff. My faith in Christ, and His work on the cross. His love for me. The way He has prepared a path for me and meets my needs with each step I take. I am grateful. I am trusting Him. I am so in need of His saving Grace everyday. His plan that allows me to be one of His. I don't have the words to express my Faith, the Biblical knowledge I have seems so weak. I am trying to surrender, and give my life to Him. It isn't easy. I am so sure I am capable, forging ahead, writing my own story. Yet in quiet moments, listening to music, reading my bible, I am reminded that He is in control. He gives and takes away. He alone already has the story written and the path prepared. SO each day I must be reminded to put my life at the feet of the one who knows. This is so hard for me. I am bewildered sometimes at just how much I try to hold on to control, trying to be in CHARGE. I am not.

So although I love my family, friends, my home, my scrapbook room, my mom's ring (that I get to wear) my willowtrees, my photos, my garden, books, my beautiful dogs, my church and so many other "material" things...my Faith is my most treasured "item". I am so blessed, grateful and in need of Jesus. I hope that others see my faith through me, through my actions and my life. I want to share my most treasured item, with those who are hurting, and longing for the comfort that is only found in the arms of our Savior. I am His and He is mine. I am building my Faith day by day, on the Bible, which is God's words to us. He is doing good things through me, and it is only by His Grace that I am able to have Faith. A real, powerful, growing Faith. Joyful Faith. My prayer is that my most treasured item can be shared and treasured by others. Happy SONday. I love Sundays....

Day 6 ...

2011-07-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

If I could switch places for a day...

Water Baby

Hanging out at Buntzen Lake Dog Park

off to school

exploring the Vancouver Aquarium

Willow view Apple Farm eating a PEAR

Our Mad Hatter

Jayde with her dog Saje

Great Memories making Christmas Cookies with Nana

walking her dogs

Harrison at Spring Break

Baking with Nana

Rainy Spring Break

Jayde loves being with her dad.

Jayde you light up our lives.

Happy 10th Birthday Jayde

Burrowing ~~Jayde Owl Winery~~

Someone I'd love to change places with for a day. That is an easy one. I'd love to be Jayde for a day. To be 10 again. (just for a day). I want to be more like Jayde. Live more in the moment and be honest with myself and others. I mean really honest. Say it for real. I love that about her. I love that she is a child of God and that her faith is strong and firm. That she is okay to question and ponder. I have so much to learn from my girl. My sweet, child, who right now is also feeling loss and sadness. She seems to be a little on the quiet side these days, enjoying spending time alone to colour and draw. This is her way of processing. I can learn from her. We are different and yet alike in many ways. I cherish my time with her and love to chat with her about life and faith, listening to her funny stories and now as she gets older her life and concerns that she shares with me. God is so good to give me a daughter. A reminder of my mom, Jayde is so like her Nana. Thank you God for knowing what I need before the need is there. For providing me with the comfort of a daughter is just what I needed today. Love is good. Life is Good. Painful, and Good. Yesterday I really really had a hard day, missing my mom and not wanting to do anything. Today will be better. Even if I can't switch with Jayde, it is fun to think about. Good thing I get to be her mom.

Summer List 2011 Additions

2011-07-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

Good Morning overcast, quiet grey morning. I can still hear the birds singing, the dishwasher running in the background and my dogs bantering as I sit and think about additions to my summer list 2011. Now where did we leave off... oh yes Number 32.

32 Attended The Roys Shooter Golf Extravaganza. (had a great time, even got a hole in one)

33 Spent an afternoon with Jayde doing girly stuff. Nails.

34 Went with Dad and Jayde and met Auntie Helen for lunch in Langley.

35 Completed a scrapbook layout. (hey it is a start)

36 Had Lulu over for a visit

37 Caught up on my soap

38 Watched Tangled with Jayde and Craig. (super cute movie)

39 Started a 30 day Blog challenge

40 Went for a long walk with Donna, Susan and the dogs!

41 Breathed

42 Played Crib (won :-D )

43 Skunked Clayton and Matthew at crib. (WHOOT WHOOT)

44 Scrap Booked AGAIN. (attempted to clean up the room ...sigh)

45 enjoyed home

46 Drove to Park Royal for a visit with my cousin Cindy.

47 Found some HOLY CRAP cereal at Whole Foods. Yummy

48 Cried

49 Prayed

50 Smiled :-D

Life is good. Life is rich and full. Life is hard. Life is today. Life is a blessing from our Creator and a gift to unwrap each day. As my sister Leah would say...MAKE IT A GREAT ONE.

My dad made this little teeny tiny bird house...I love it. He is so talented and I love having his work in my home. It makes me smile and reminds me of my mom. She was so proud of my dad's work and she loved to give it to others as gifts. :-)

Day 5

2011-07-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

A photo of a favourite memory. My mom and I loved to have a chat over coffee. I miss these moments, and every coffee I have now reminds me of her. I love that. I often think of her while I sip my morning coffee. She loved these special Starbucks mugs. This is one of my favourite photos of us together. My mom was usually smiling and loved to just be with her family and friends. I miss her so much, and day by day I find myself smiling more when I think of her. There are still plenty of tears, and bittersweet memories, which make my heart ache. I know that she would want me to keep those memories and make more of them. With my family & my friends, I carry her in my heart, her laughter, her smile, her helpful creative hands. I am blessed.

Day 4

2011-07-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

A very cool song that Donna shared with me on a beautiful day several weeks ago. I sat on her bed and cried, cause it was just what I needed to hear as I looked out her window to the beautiful sea. Thanks Friend you know you are such a huge strength and I am grateful that we can count on each other like 123 and 432. Enjoy :-D

Day 3

2011-07-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

The Cast from your favourite show. The Young and the Restless. Yes I'll admit it...I used to watch this soap with my mom when I was a teen. About a year ago I started watching it again. I watched it with my mom when she was in the hospital and the hospice. I love that I have a PVR, so I can just speed through the commercials and story lines that I am not interested in. It is nice to have something to watch during all the repeats at this time of the year. My other favourite show is PARENTHOOD...looking forward to it restarting in September. For now...Y&R works for me.

Day Two

2011-07-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

A photo of you and the person you have been closest to for the longest... My mom was there for me always. She was a great mom and nana, a wonderful friend and such a beautiful strong woman. I miss her everyday, and I'm trying to learn from her example and all she taught me. Thanks mom for being my inspiration, my biggest fan and for the memories. I love you.

2011-07-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

Today, I am going to start a 30 Day Challenge on my blog. I thought is would be fun (i've done this on face book before) and that it would get me into blogging everyday for awhile. Blogging, writing thinking is one of the ways I am finding healing (HEAL is my word for the year) in my life. In getting my "stuff" from my head and heart into a place where I can reflect and make sense (sometimes) out of what is inside of me. So because blogging is a BLUE resource for me...here goes the challenge...

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Day 04 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

Day 06 - A picture of something you'd love to trade places with for a day

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most weird things with

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 13 - A picture of a memorable night

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A Picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 20- A picture of your favorite picture

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Day 25 - A picture of your day

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day One

a photo of myself and 15 facts

1- I am a Christian. I love Jesus and what He has done in my life.

2- I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. ( I love being these things)

3- I am a scrapbooker (who likes to stamp)

4 -I love to blog, and read other blogs. I spend way too much time on FB

5 -I have two dogs, Cayenne and Saje and I adore them.

6 -I enjoy entertaining friends and family in our home.

7- I Heart my morning coffee and look forward to drinking it while I am surfing FB

8 -I have a great job. Working with Families Children and Fantastic Staff at Griffin's.

9 -I miss my mom.

10- I like playing games, crib, scrabble, hearts...

11- I enjoy taking photos.

12- I feel close to God when I am in His creation.

13- I cry easily. (yes even at commercials)

14- I am busy. I am learning to SLOW down & BE in the moment.

15- I am Happy.

BLUE (resources) + Red (the real tough stuff)=PURPLE LIFE

2011-07-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

So I see fantastic counsellor every week and she asked me to do a scrapbook project on BLUE resources...BLUE is what helps you get through the RED. The Red Being the tough stuff. The places we go in and out of and the things that happen which are in everyday life. The hard, painful, real life stuff. So I'm just sitting here thinking about that and thought I'd get a few ideas down on my blog. So my Blog is a BLUE resource. Being able to sit down and plunk away on my computer keys to transfer "STUFF" from my head on to the screen is healing and helpful. It can make sense to me of things that are flying around inside me, causing me to be distracted and confused. I do this for myself. I do it so I can go back, and remember.

My family. My husband Craig is a BLUE resource even if sometimes I find him in the RED. Living with another person with all of our weird and wonderful ways is a Joyous process that sometimes (in my experience) brings along with it some frustration. However He is the greatest person on earth. He does all the housework,finances, dog walking,gardening,car washing,everything. How did i get so lucky. (okay...I left this page open to turnover the laundry, the last word I wrote before leaving was frustration. So Craig felt comfortable filling in the next two sentences, which when I got back to the computer made me laugh. Prompting me to give him a hug. His reply was...You like it! I am so blessed to have him in my life (this is me talking now). I can always count on his shoulder, a hug and acceptance like no other. Even if I don't get the tea quite right, use too much hot soapy water in the sink and lets not get started on where I put the clean laundry.I know he still loves me. Even when I send him into the RED, he still remains BLUE.

My children are BLUE resources. They always give me some reason to smile, (snort in laughter) and sometimes cry. They remind me often that life is a gift. Life is good. Not always easy but good. They remind me how blessed I am to be a mom. To be able to nurture, lead, laugh and embrace. Each of them brings so many different blessings to my life. Music, song, love, laughter, learning, patience, thoughtfulness and honesty. Yes my children are Blue Resources.

My Friends, I have written posts about my friends. You may have read them. They are a unique beautiful collection of women whom I am so fortunate to be surrounded by. Each one brings a different shade of Blue and although some of us have had RED moments, they are TRUE BLUE for sure. They come alongside me and they support in different amazing beautiful ways. They let me help and support them too. What a great way to transfer blessings from one to another. Thank you God for making this part of my life circle. My friends who are my family. My friends who know me, my family, our BLUE and our Red. Friends that will call and share and be real, no matter how painful things are. I love that.

My Faith, has been and continues to hold me up. Give me BLUE strength in the RED mess. I believe in my Creator and that His plan for my life if good. I believe He is my strength and my rock. My comfort and my protector. He is mine and I am His. I am grateful the Lord has provided me with a growing faith in Him and the family of believers I worship with. They too are the hands and feet of Jesus, helping me though the RED. My Pastor also has come along side of me and been an awesome BLUE resource. His prayer, love and honesty integrity have helped during such a painful tough section of my journey. God's timing is so amazing and all the Blue he has brought coupled with the Red I've gone through have grown my faith and knowledge of God's love for me. I'v read a couple books of late, 90 minutes and choosing to see, both Christian based books, that have told real life stories of pain & prayer, triumph and grace. These have been such BLUE resources to read and they have spoken to my heart. My heart that seems to need so many BLUE resources right now.

My Dogs...where to start. They only have to come, look up at me, stay while I hold them, and still do it over again even when I am sad and the tear won't stop. They never ask, demand or judge. They only look into my ye an let me BE . BLUE all the way through are my two dogs. They are a huge source of BLUE. They are my go to when I am beyond words, when I need to be loved. They will wag, and smile (yes my dogs smile) and give me their undivided attention (especially if I am bearing treats), for as long as I am needing them, they will stay, and let me weep, relax or just breath. My dogs are heaven sent for sure. They are a huge part of my BLUE.

My scrapbooking room. It is a BLUE resource that i have trouble using somedays. Maybe cause I leave it in a mess, and feel like I need to organize before I create...maybe it is the fact I used to work in there with my mom and make things for her there...I don't know? It is just kinda hard. Kinda Red at the same time as being BLUE. I love to create and muck around in there. I feel the call and pull almost everyday I am home. Why then is it so difficult to ignore all the distractions and actually just get going?

BLUE...and RED make PURPLE. Hmmm interesting since purple is my favourite colour. I collect purple. So in this life of BLUE and RED...I am okay with them both, cause in the end they make PURPLE.

Osoyoos and Back

2011-07-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

Well we are back from Sunny, windy, cloudy Happy to see our friends Osoyoos. It was great fun taking a road trip to visit our friends the Campbells from Calgary. Miles may separate our homes, but not our hearts.We have been friends since before children. Since Clayton is 17 that is along time. We enjoyed chatting, relaxing on the beach, nachos and bbq meals, coffee (well me and Steph) and good times exploring our favorite vineyard (Burrowing Owl) and Rattlesnake Canyon. Ran into some Port Moody friends and that was a happy surprise. SO grateful to Rachel for loving my dogs and taking care of our abode, while we were away.

Jayde had Sarah along for take two of this adventure and it was so wonderful to see them together in the water, singing and snuggled up at bed time. Life is good. Good good good. I get such JOY watching the two of them play together for hours enjoying time together. They had a blast today at Rattlesnake Canyon and I have photos to confirm that...

So here is an addition to my summer list...

#17-Time on the Beach playing cards

#18-lost playing Nertz & Donuts ( had fun doing it though)

#19-enjoyed taking photos at Burrowing Owl Winery

#20-Shared a yummy lunch at Suzie -Q Burger Joint

#21-Creating great memories with friends (laughed and snorted)

#22-Brought home some wine barrels (oh and wine too)

#23-Saw a black bear in Manning Park

#24-Took more photos

#25-Excited for new friends Engagement news

#26-Snuggled my dogs

#27-listened and tried to comfort a friend

#28-Ate Rum Raisin Ice Cream

#29-Finished my book...started a new one

#30-Shared fresh Osoyoos Cherries

#31-PRAYED

Summer List 2011

2011-07-10T00:43:00.000-07:00

I'm making a list...

Of our summertime adventures and happenings...so here goes...

#1-Took Jayde and 12 friends on a Birthday Campout at Anmore RV Park. (with a lot of help from my friends)

#2-Went to Birch Bay for 5 nights of camping and fun. Ate Monkey Bread . . .best gooey delight ever!!!

#3-Celebrated Jayde's 10th Birthday with July 4th Fireworks on the Bay With Family Friends

#4- Swimming at Anne's Backyard Pool!!!!

#5-Made a NEW friend!

#6-Lost at Scrabble

#7-BBQ Chicken Burgers on the Woroschuk's Deck

#8-Watched Lincoln Lawyer-Great Movie

#9-Saw Larry Crowne With my BFFs !

#10-Have been taking more photos and remembering how much Joy it brings me!

#11-Packed for Road Trip to Osoyoos . . .

#12- Have stayed up way past my bed time.

#13-Lost at scrabble again!!!!

#14-I'm reading a book

#15-Had a visit with Mindy and Lyle

#16-Coffee with Carrie

Better Late than Never. . .

2011-07-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

So I promised photos and updates on the camping adventure. It is only a week late. I didn't have enough time to do it all before packing up and leaving for Birch Bay and another camping adventure. Better Late than never I say. So the adventure all went well. The rain stayed away while we set up, played, made hotdogs and spider dogs, made smores and had a very memorable birthday. Jayde's friends all enjoyed entertaining us at the campfire with stories, improv and giggles. Then as we prepared for bed...the rain came...all night long. God is good and the rain stopped long enough for us to make pancakes and pack up. It was awesome to do this for the girls and I was so pleased that Jayde collected $140 to split between the Canadian Cancer Society in memory of her Nana, and some for our friend and missionary Mindy. Jayde we are so blessed by your generosity. You amaze me everyday. I am so blessed to learn from your example.

Good times. I am so grateful for all the help from my friends, Andrea, Rosalin and Donna. Craig was a huge help in setting up and looking after my needs after I wiped out and landed on my knee. Happy 10th Birthday Jayde. It has been such a gift raising you and loving you. I know this is a huge milestone, turning 10. It is so full of Joy and we really feel the loss of Nana on special times like this. You are so correct when you tell me she would want us to be happy, and have fun. We are trying one day at a time, to honour her memory and live with Grace and Abundant Joy.

I love that you enjoy camping and being in God's creation. I love that you are comfortable in your own skin and that you know you are loved by God. You make my heart sing Jayde. Enjoy everyday of being 10!!! You rock it.

Love your mom XOXOXOXOXO

Am I crazy ?

2011-06-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

So...my daughter wanted a camping birthday. Putting up the tent in the back yard...would have been the easy right? Then I thought...hmmm we could go to a camp ground not far from here. They have a pool, we could have a real campfire, make spider dogs & smores. Great idea right?

Well...here we are today...party day, and it is wet, drippy and not so warm. Fantastic. I have to say that I am going to go with the cup half full attitude though. Cause how else am I going to get through a wet camp out with 13 girls? So I am going to smile, laugh and enjoy watching the girls have an adventure. Then tomorrow I am going to come home and upload some photos, and put the memories into my blog. My mom would think I am crazy, say cancel the campsite and do it in the family room...I know I know...it would be dry, warm and NOT so memorable. So I am going to do the crazy thing...go for it. So grateful I have a partner and sidekick who is also up for anything. Thanks Andrea for always standing beside me despite my crazy ideas. For being there to love and support me. Thanks Donna for offering your extra canopy. Maybe you could come visit tonight with hot coffee? I think I'll send you an email in case you don't read this post in time. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP the RAIN.

Anyway whatever happens I will make the best of it, smile and enjoy the blessings of being able to do these kind of Crazy adventures. Blessing to have friends to do them with, and knowing that my God is always there to guide me, love me and pick me up. I am blessed, so grateful and fortunate am I. I know the girls will remember it for along time. Celebrating Jayde is easy! Missing my mom is hard. She was such a big part of everyday and birthdays were special. She was at the parties and celebrations, helping out, with support and hugs. I miss you everyday mom and on these crazy days, I miss you more. Love you sweet Nana. Love ya. I know you would be the first one to want to hear all about the adventures from Jayde and I, see the photos, and laugh at the memories. I will be thinking of you today and tonight and in the morning, as I watch these girls in delight.

Crazy+Fun+Friends=Life full of Memories.

I took a few photos today as well. This hasn't been easy to do over the last few months since my mom passed. She would always be one of the first people I would share my images with...so slowly and with intent I am getting back to something I love. So I am adding a few for you today, cause I CAN. See you tomorrow...hope my photos will turn out...And hey what is that behind the clouds over there...can you say SONshine :-D

God is so GOOD.

PS. Happy that today was my last day at work for the summer...NOT so happy that it was Tayler's last day. I am going to miss that beautiful woman...grateful though that she will always be part of my LIFE. DID I mention that God is SO good to me?

Sweet Sunday SONshine

2011-06-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

Oh the sweetness of a Sunday morning. The sun shining down on me, coffee in hand, the sound of songbirds, watching my two beautiful labradors playing, I'm basking in blessings of the Son. I miss my mom. Today though seems easier, soaking in God's love for me, through these simple blessings. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am smiling through the tears, so touched by the realization that I have it all. Goodness in the land of the living.

Psalm 27:13-14

¹³ I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

This weekend I have been able to enjoy my friends, celebrating Andrea's birthday, with amazing company, surrounded by supportive women who knew my mom. Women who loved her too. We had great conversation, laughter and a great time playing cards. I love these women. I have posted about them often. They are the gift of friendship from a God who loves us.

I was blessed to be able to do a little project with Sarah and Hayley in my scrapbook room on Saturday morning. This time was so healing for me. Being in my messy room with two that didn't care. They were just pleased to create. It was relaxing, surrounded by mess, with them making a card and me thinking...My mom would have been so happy to do this also. Time to be in my room, seeing the goodness.

Last night I had the opportunity to spend an evening with some friends I used to work with at the SFU Children's Center. I haven't worked there since 1996. I love that we have maintained those connections. Being with people who care for others is a special place to be. It is good to go out, talk, laugh and share the blessings of friendship. God is so good to me. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time and it felt so good. Good Good Good. That is what I am experiencing this weekend. Goodness. Through the calm and through the storm He never lets go. I'm trying so hard to hang on somedays, that it is only His embrace that keeps me.

So today in the warmth of the sunshine, I am again reminded of His Goodness to me. To take an ordinary day and put His Shine on it. Make it a great day my sister would say. I believe that God has me in his care, In his hands actually. With him all things are possible. HEAL. My word, my center. I am looking forward to more sunshine, and a summer of Healing. I know that life is fragile. It is painful. It is good. I am grateful for my family, my friends, my work, my home, my dogs and the SONshine that is there to make each day beautiful. My mom knew how to soak it in. She loved and was loved. I smile thinking about her beauty, her helpful strong hands, that raised and guided me right until the end. I am finding the goodness.

No Easy Way to Say...

2011-06-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

This is hard. Getting to the keyboard. Sitting and making the commitment to type out what is in my head, on my heart. It has been weeks. Weeks since I blogged. Weeks since I have even opened the page. Weeks since my mom passed from here to Heaven. May the 7th, with my Dad by her side, my brother and I on route to the hospice and Jesus waiting for her. She opened her eyes after sleeping most of the day, smiled at my Dad and looked up. She was gone. I arrived after she had gone. In that moment of deep deep pain, when I walked in to see my Dad and hear him say, She's gone... I felt physically sick, like I should not have left her that day, how could I have missed her passing. I had left the hospice at 3pm that day. The night before I had stayed as I had since April 13th. I had asked her in the early afternoon if it would be okay to go for awhile, she said No. I told her I would stay, She smiled without opening her eyes and said I'm Joking. My mom full of whit until the end. I realized after several days, that my going was okay. I had been with her night by night and most days as well. I had a very close relationship with my mom and she knew that I would need my dad's support when she did go. So I wasn't alone when I was faced with saying goodbye to her that night. My brother thanked me for looking after mom and always being there for her. That was the easy part, caring for her was a privilege and a gift from God. It allowed us to talk, pray, smile, laugh, go for walks and watch hockey together. She beat me at Yahtzee one evening, and we played crib together too.

Caring for my mom, loving her, talking to her and just being by her side was just the beginning of the gifts that Jesus had planned to give me. My dad and I were a tag team, making sure she was comfortable. Her pillows fluffed just so, her ice and water on her bedside table, and the illusion I might get the cranberry juice/water/ice ratio right. It was good to be with her. Good because it was time to be just her and I. The hard part was not the caring or the being there...no it was seeing her if she wasn't comfortable, if she was in pain, seeing her get sick when all she had eaten was a popsicle. There were some difficult moments, none though as difficult as the days that have followed her death.

Not having my mom is painful, and somedays, surreal. It is the reminder when I wake at night that can be so physically painful I can't get back to sleep. I pray. I pray a lot for comfort and peace. It comes, and God is good to me. Through everything I can say without hesitation He has not let go of me. He has stayed with me through the calm and the storm, His Grace like rain. I am so grateful for so much during these hard and difficult days. God has shown me with open hands the gifts of faith. God has shown me that He loves me by providing me with the comfort, strength and prayers of others. We have been cared for as a family in every way possible. There have been so many blessings. It hasn't taken the pain and loss away, yet it has provided a soft place to land, arms willing to embrace us, and listening ears. God provides.

My word for this year is Heal. Ironic, interesting, God given. I believe so. I wanted my mom to Heal, and in some ways she did. She was able to tell the people she loved the most intimate things. She was able to share how deeply she loved. She told us to live without regret. She wasn't afraid, because she believed. She told me she had always believed in Jesus, although she hadn't always been active in church. My pastor visited, prayed, read scripture and gave my mom reassurance in Christ. As Blessings go, that was a faith changing, joyous, gift from God. Knowing that Jesus was there to meet my mom. Heartfelt gratitude, that my King would give me that precious knowledge. Even that doesn't take away the pain of not having her here, it eases it greatly and gives me hope, and I believe that one day that alone will be the suave that heals.

I can not fathom how painful and difficult these experiences must be for someone who believes that there is no God, no creator, no hope for eternal life. It makes me realize how truly blessed I have been to have had my eyes opened, to be able to have a personal relationship with my Jesus. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I am so in awe of God and they way He loves me, despite my messy life. How he cares enough about me to prepare the way for me. To build my lukewarm faith into the desire to know Him more, to hang onto His words and to trust in Him. HE alone knew what I would need and each step He provided and held onto me, His willful, rebellious, stubborn, self absorbed child who needs Him in the calm and in the storms of my life.

I have memories of my mom, and they are good, great reminders of a life well lived. I am grateful that I was able to have my mom in my life daily. Cups of coffee, talking, crafting, making and sharing meals, her willingness to always give me a hand. Help with Clayton and Jayde, helping to fold my laundry while she was here, cleaning the kitchen, baking cookies together, helping me with my stampin up clubs, always there...in the calm and in the storm. Jesus gave me an example of love to follow, an example of motherhood and she taught me to show love and care for others. A life well lived...I love my mom. This love helps me to heal. I am healing a little each day, music brings me joy, as do my family and friends. Jayde's singing and Clayton's guitar playing, Craig's strength and love. I am blessed. For in my loss, God is helping me to see the light, goodness and joy. Death is part of life, for now, not forever.

There are no tears in Heaven. This brings me comfort. A picture drawn by Jayde in church the day after my mom passed, brought such sweet sweet joy for me. A picture of my mom dropping her last tissue into the basket before entering the gates of Heaven.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

So this is tough for me, not having my mom here in my kitchen, in the seat next to me at Jayde's performances, she will be missed at Clayton's graduation next year (Dear God please keep Him in School), and really in everyday. She brought joy, laughter, and grace into my life. With her death, these gifts become more meaningful, more precious and deep. My relationship with God has and is growing in love, understanding and I'm in awe of His Faithfulness and deep deep love for us.

I am a child of God. I am a believer and follower of Jesus. I was given the opportunity to share with my church family how God has been the calm in the storm of my life. Writing down my thoughts, reflecting on how God has carried me through the pain and difficulty allowed me clarity and peace. It again gave me insight and hope and was more healing suave on my wounds. Heal. I chose that word after much thought. I wanted to Heal my heart, heal my relationships, and heal my faith. God has done so much for me, and the healing has begun. He knows me. He knows my hurts and my wounds. He created me, and He knows what I need to Heal. He knows I need to forgive myself and others, this is not easy. He will be there though, never letting go. My prayer is that I will hold on tight. The chorus of a song sung in church that spoke into my life is...

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

These words are in my heart. I am finding strength, faith, stillness and grace in my God. I am grateful. I am in awe. I want others to know the peace that is in knowing our Creator, and our Saviour. Thank you a million times to the God of Wonder, and to those who have been the hands and feet of Jesus during our loss. I know that He is teaching me and preparing me through this journey so that I will Glorify Him.

Sheri, a child of God

Easter Blessings

2011-04-24T07:43:00.001-07:00

Easter is a celebration . For me it is the celebration of my life in Christ. He is Risen ! I am so grateful for my Faith. For my church family and for the good news. I am glad. Glad that I can worship freely, express my faith, share it with friends and have it change me.

This Easter Sunday, our daughter Jayde is being baptized. God's timing is awesome, amazing and there is so much Grace involved. Today we celebrate our Risen Lord. We are saved because He died. We are saved, yet we

didn't deserve this. GRACE that is such an amazing concept and it is so big I can't wrap my head around it somedays. I only know that it is GOD given and LIFE changing. It is PEACE, POWER, HEALING. So full of life is GOD'S GRACE. It gets me through, minute by minute and when I falter or fall, it steadies me, picks me up and moves me forward.

Having this special day will lift us all up, bring HOPE and JOY. It will be a memory for us, and a gift !!!

If you can today, love and hug someone. A mother, a father, your spouse, your child, your friend, your sister or brother, a dog or OK your cat (I'm not a cat person, sorry Shadow) just let someone know that today you are there for them. That you cherish them. Do it because you can. Have a very Happy Easter and if you are a believer, REJOICE!!!!! Our Debt has been paid by the precious blood of Jesus.

Last night I was able to be home with Craig and the children (+ Danielle and Landon too :-) We are getting ready to maybe bring my mom home for lunch. I want her to be here. I want it with all my heart. Jesus knows what is best and He is in charge.

I held Jayde last night and rubbed her back as she cried herself to sleep. She is grieving already, the loss of what she has know her whole life. The love and gift of time with her Nana. She knows, that now things will be different for her. She said nothing was right in her world and she wanted to just go to sleep so that it will all go away. This mixed with excitement of getting baptized and celebrating Easter. A ton of overwhelming emotions for a tender heart. She is strong and tells me that she is good with me staying overnight with Nana, she tells me she understands and she gives us this time. I love how she was able to let go and trust me and God last night to express her emotions and her grief. This is going to be a long road, yet Jesus will be there to walk with us, carry us over the pot holes and provide us with His GRACE. So watching Jayde relax physically as I prayed and seeing her fall asleep as I asked God to give her PEACE was a miracle. It was God's timing for me to be home tonight, for me to be His hands and heart to wrap my child in love and care. In the same day, waking to my mom, caring for, and loving her, to the other end of the day being given the strength and love to sooth my little child to sleep. God gives and takes away. I know He is there and will be my strength as we say good bye to my mom. I don't feel ready, and I know it will be the hardest time for us. Yet knowing that we are surrounded by loving family and friends and the Joy of Heaven makes it bearable. Thank you Jesus for embracing our family, and showing us the blessings that come with such sorrow. God you are so GRACIOUS to us.

Happy Easter :-)

getting it down . . .

2011-04-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

Life has been a bit of a blur and our lives are centered around my mom and her care and needs. She was fighting another bout of cancer (bladder) and was cleared for surgery April 14th. On March 26th my dad took her to Eagle Ridge for the third time. Each time resulting in long hours in emergency. On that day they gave her blood transfusions, and started a treatment to stop the bleeding from her bladder. She stayed on this irrigation system for about 3 weeks. During this time she was transferred to VGH where her Surgeon was. She was there for three weeks. She then got a bowel blockage,and had several scans indicating some shadows. When they tried to do a biopsy using a scope down her throat she threw up and aspirated into her lungs. After that another scan showed a significant growth in the cancer and a realization that it wasn't operable. We received this news April 13th. Since that night I have been staying with my mom over night and sometimes during the days depending on what is happening.

Since Monday my mom was moved from VGH to Eagle Ridge, from a ward room (don't get me started on that nightmare) to a private room the next day to a Hospice in Maple Ridge. She is so tired and yet still smiles and has a wicked sense of humor. She is enjoying listening to Clayton play the guitar, Jayde sings to her and many family and friends stay by her bedside. We have had to ask to keep visitors to just family for the next while so she can get some rest. This is an extremely difficult time for me. I am really really leaning on Jesus right now and all the support I have. My mom is not afraid, and knows she will be going to meet Jesus and her family. This is a real comfort and brings me much peace. I am sad, and cry often, I have treasured my time with my mom in the quiet of the nights when we talk. Sharing the simple things like good sips of coffee, reading emails, the beautiful orchids in her room, the stories of her family and the latest updates and antics of the grandchildren. Good times. I hope and pray for a miracle, yet I have already had it. Life with my mom and time to talk, love and be together. So many blessings have come from this situation. My sisters and brother are pulling together to bring our family close, to share in the tough stuff. There is the joy of being with mom. Seeing my sister Chris and our Dad hug. My brother and I have had more conversations and texts than ever. Our family is strong, because my mom has lead us in this valiant fight. She comforts us, is loved by so so many and brings us the lesson that faith and family are God's gifts to us everyday and especially when we are faced with such loss. Someone told me today that this will change me. Not just my life, but ME. It already has. I told my mom I just want to be more like her. More elegant and graceful, more centered, selfless and Brave. My mom is very brave. She wants to be close to us, she loves that one of us is staying with her at night and that my dad is by her side. Family has always been important to me, I couldn't move away from my parents, because seeing them with my children was a gift I wanted for them both. I have such joy in spending time celebrating as a family and building a life built on strong values and memories that bring laughter, and tears. I started to write this as an email and then realized I should post it so I have a memory and record to these weeks which have passed so quickly and some days so slowly. I have trouble keeping my calendar straight, making appointments and keeping things organized at home. I am not able to respond quickly to questions these days and am quick to cry, especially when I am holding the hand of another who is also dealing with the thoughts of life without my mom. Her best friend said it will be like loosing a part of herself they are so close. How do you comfort someone in this moment, when you realize that you yourself are loosing the woman who gave you life. The woman who gave her life to raise me, teach me, guide me, nurture and love me, despite my failings she still calls me a light in her life. Wow...pretty amazing stuff.

So here it is written down and out of my head. Now maybe I can take a deep deep breath, sleep in my bed tonight (thanks sister)!!! and recharge to give my all to her again. What a gracious gift God has given me and my family to have this time together to really pray, forgive, talk and grow closer to each other in this time. Blessings are everywhere if we just look with our hearts and trust that our God is a Good God, A Gracious God. He Loves us and cares about all the details of our lives. He has a perfect plan, and seeing the Joy through the sorrows, keeps my heart light and open. Ready to receive what He has to comfort me and lead me and teach me. Love you mom and I know that you will leave a huge space in my day to day life, that I will try to fill up with Blessings from a Loving God, that chose you for me and me for you. These days bring so much...tears, sorrow, joy and comfort, I am forever grateful that I can feel these things and through this trust pray and surrender to my Creator. Thank you Jesus for Life. On this Easter weekend I am reminded that I live because you died.

Jayde will be baptized on this Easter Sunday. She has wanted to do this for sometime and God's timing is so beautiful. God might allow us to have my mom there, or she may watch it on a dvd, however this happens, in God's grace we celebrate Jadye's commitment to follow Jesus. She is such a sweet spirit and brings so much Joy and comfort to us all. Her and my mom are especially close and so this time of our lives is so cherished as a little girl sings to her Nana "these are a few of my favourite things" in a beautiful voice, while her Nana listens, smiling, and tears of Joy well up in us all.

He is Risen!

I am so grateful !

My Mom

2011-04-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

My Mom

How do I see my mom? I see her as strong, nurturing and unselfish. I see her giving of herself to raise a family and be a wife and friend. I see her. I love my mom. I believe that she is the most amazing mom ever and that God placed me in her hands. I believe that she has been the hands and feet of Jesus.That I was blessed to have her teach me, love me and guide me. I believe that motherhood is a gift from God. Thank you Jesus for choosing to place me in her life.

I believe that now. Now that I am a mom. Now that I see the sacrifices my mom made for me. Now that I am LEARNING to make sacrifices for my children. Now that I am LEARNING about life and how so often I take things for granted. I realize with each passing day that being a mom is a gift, a challenge. It is so hard on some days, the days I doubt my abilities to put my children ahead of myself, my abilities to remain calm, keep things in perspective, to be patient and kind. Yes, I mess up daily. There are days when being a mom is EASY. When the day is full of warmth and reward. I love those days...yet it is the tough stuff which...lets face it...makes me realize that without a faith in Jesus and his love and strength I really really fall short in the mom department. It is through His Grace and Mercy that I keep getting up after a fall to carry on and learn. I believe I am always learning. Learning to love.

Sometimes these days, seeing my mom sick, and uncomfortable, going through this cancer is gut wrenching. I choke back the tears because I want to be hopeful. I want to be there for my mom. I want her to know how much I love and admire her. How much I have learned from her example of love. I want her to know that one of my most precious gifts in life is seeing her with my children. I didn't really have grandparents growing up. My grandma (the only one I knew) passed away when I was seven. She lived on the island so I didn't see her very much. She wrote me some letters and I know she loved me. Yet is wasn't what my children have experienced.

My mom has changed my children's diapers, burped them,bathed them,wiped their tears, snuggled them, sang to them, taught them, kissed them and hugged them. She has lived for and loved them. Seeing my mom with my children is a gift. With this closeness comes much joy. Joy and so many memories. Everyday stuff, playing, painting, baking cookies, camping, crafts, reading, talking, building blocks and hugs. So many gifts to cherish. I am grateful for this, this gift of time, love and family. It feels like my heart bursts every time a memory floods in. So much goodness. So much.

So I guess when I see my mom having to go through this pain, uncertainty and struggle, it hurts. It hurts because I know what hangs in the balance. Life. Memories. Love. Not being able to just pick up the phone, hear her voice or reach out to hold her hand. Give her a hug, drop off my daughter for a sleep over. Making cards, dinner and conversation together? How do I begin to go forward without these tangible gifts in my life? I chose HEAL for my word of the year. That is what I want for my mom, and for my heart. I want her to be well, to be able to do all those things again. Yet I am NOT in control of the outcomes. Only
God can be. Only God can HEAL us. Trusting in Him should be easy right? Yet so often I don't have the words to begin to pray. To ask for that trust and peace and grace. I know I don't have to utter the words, He knows my heart, my pain, my desires. He knows also what I need to grow in Him. That is what I hang onto. The Belief that HE is my rock. My faith and my salvation. One heartbeat at a time.

Thank you mom for your Love, your strength and for being the Hands and Feet of Jesus to me in my life. For loving me, believing in me, teaching me, mothering me & my children and for just being you. You are brave, you are strong, you are LOVED.

Your Daughter

Blessings

2011-03-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

Today was a tough. Tough because it is so difficult to see my mom in the hospital, she is so strong in spirit, yet each day she seems to labor to smile. Her eyes still are bright and she doesn't complain. She is a blessing to me, to my children. She is strong, yet weak. God knows, He is in control. He is Good. Even in the midst of the fear and unknown, He is Good. He reminds me of my blessings, keeps me putting one foot in front of the other, allowing me to take solace in His Love and Grace.

Meeting with my pastor and having him pray with me, was and is a blessing. A blessing that reminded me that being in prayer and time with God is Healing. Healing in a time when I need HIM to sustain me. I am not able to do this on my own. I need God. I need the friends he has provided me and I need my family. My sweet Jayde who doesn't like to go to the hospital because it scares her, yet she comes along anyway. Her presence is a healing gift for both of my parents. She lifts me up with her bravery and courage and sweetness to carry on and look up. Her child like faith inspires and motivates me, bringing me closer to Jesus. I know that God sent her to us, she is a blessing. Clayton, a young man, so much growing to do and yet, without hesitation he drove and stayed with my mom until I could get there. He asks often how his Nana is, how I am. He came to church this week and just having him there beside us made my faith grow deeper in a God that is Good. My husband whose faith is strong and steady, his heart is so good. He cares for us and never complains, he gives and FORGIVES. I heart him. My family is a blessing, and God allows me to be with them and to care for them. That is a blessing.

I didn't feel like blogging and then I checked my blog to find a comment from another blogger who passed along a blogger award and challenged me to tell you seven things about myself. So purplestamper316 thank you for giving me the peace and push to blog my heart and get it down. I appreciate that.

So seven things about myself. . .

#1- I am a child of God. I believe and I fall and I get up and I fall. I am so blessed and so grateful for my faith in Jesus. For His work on the cross and for His GRACE.

#2- I collect purple. I have friends who collect owls, teapots, scrapbooking supplies (i do that too) . I love purple. I have a purple towel, a purple pillowcase, a purple flashlight (those are all from one friend :-) ) and a purple dog leash, purple is pure...purple makes me smile.

#3-I love my dogs. I love playing with them, walking them and loving them. I love watching them play together and I love watching them teach me to slow down, relax and just take time to hang out.

#4- I am a scrapbooking memory making mom. I love to record our family happenings and am learning to include the real stuff along with the joy and fun. I love to use purple things in my pages...

#5-I have a word for the year. It is HEAL. I am exploring why and what this word will mean to me in my day to day and so far it is a perfect fit for what is going on right now. I am also finding out what it means to HEAL and seeing the things in my life that are Healing and bring Healing to me.

#6-I am grateful. For God, for His word, and for His Goodness and Grace. For my church and my Pastors, for my Christian friends who are praying and being the hands and feet of Jesus.

#7-I love my friends. My life is full because of them. The joy they bring, the life and love, laughter and tears. I am truly blessed. I look forward to sharing life with them. Creating memories and learning to lean on each other in good times and tough.

I am supposed to pass this along to other bloggers who inspire me so here goes..

Holm Sweet Holm

Corduroy Girl

Punkin Patch Daycare

Elasticpantcity

Have fun with it and Blessings to you and yours.

Love you Mom!!!!!!!

2011-03-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

How do you begin to write about your feelings of sadness, and the struggle of feeling helpless in the face of watching your mom battle yet again against the monster that is Cancer. I have so much respect for my mom and the strength she has in all she has gone through. As my sister said to me...isn't it someone else's turn. Enough already. It is really hard to know what to say and how to comfort her. It is hard for me to find the strength and I am not the one fighting physically against this. I want to be able to walk with my mom helping her and caring for her, and somedays that is overwhelming. Sometimes I want to run away, to shut out the sadness and the pain, to make her better and let her know it is going to all be okay. Yet I can't do that. I can't tell her or my children or myself that it is going to be okay. I don't know what God has in his plan, for any of us. I know that God cares about my little pity party and that HE will be there. He will give me the strength and the wholeness to know what to do, what to say, what is needed. It is just remembering that and surrendering each day that will be tough.

I have such a great support system. Amazing friends who are there to listen, hug and wipe the tears. They will be there to help me with this, each step along the path. I know that and it is a comfort, an assurance and promise I can believe in. I am so grateful that in His widsom, God has provided me with friends who are solid in love and character, compassion and grace. Thoughtful and giving. Wow I am blessed. I am so thankful for my friend Shelley who sent my mom a little owl in the mail at Christmas, and just recently purchased my mom a special set of measuring spoons which my mom just loved. Thankful for Donna who brings my mom flowers and cheer. To Andrea for spending the afternoon having coffee with my mom and I. Nina and Thelma for bringing along some beautiful spray roses, sending cards and love. I am grateful for my scrapping club friends and my sisters whose love and concern is always there. Super touched by my friend who offered to take a day off work if I ever needed her. Susan you are so thoughtful. Sandy who always offers her comfort and support. I am touched by friends who have offered to take Jayde if need be, thanks Donna M, Corrina and gang...I love you guys... I cherish the women in my book club who are there to listen and distract me as we dive into books together. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone in my Oscar speech. I just want you all to know...that it is because of my FAITH (last years word) FAMILY and FRIENDS that I can make it through.

Sometimes I need to give myself this little pep talk, to remember, pray and ponder the goodness mixed in with the sadness, appointments and waiting. The tough stuff, the tears, they come easier these days, in a quiet moment, on a yoga mat, in my reading chair. My friends will tell you, that is me, soppy & emotional and they are spot on. That is me. I believe that I do wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I try to cover it up with a cute jacket, or a long sleeve sweater...I am not usually successful.

So if you are reading this, I am opening my heart up to heartache, sadness and JOY. I want to feel it all as painful as it will be, I think this is right where God wants me. The muck and the yuck...it is deep. I have all

sorts of feelings and when they get too much I back up, close the door and sometimes shut the world out. I

don't want to do this alone. I again am grateful I don't have to. Thank you God and thank you to my friends who I believe God has sent to me along the way. Deep breath and time to recoup. I'm not sure what is going to happen and how everything will turn out...one day at a time I will try to surrender and seek comfort and grace in HIS love, cause that is really all that matters in the end. I pray I'll remember that as I take this all in one moment at a time. I want to be there for my parents, and my family. I cherish the relationships and the beautiful way my parents are grandparents to my children. So many blessings and memories and my word this year is HEAL . Interesting that I chose that word for myself and how I have invited it into my heart in so so many ways these past few weeks. I know that God had a hand in this also. HEALING PRAYERS.

Love and Prayers,

A daughter who loves her mom.

2011-01-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

{one} how tall are you?I am 5"4'
{two} besides bills, what do you spend most of your money on?my scrap-booking addiction
{three} what are your three favorite websites?facebook, jon-mark photography, my friends blogs
{four} what brand of tennis shoes do you prefer?New Balance
{five} what food can you absolutely not stand to eat?brussel sprouts
{six} How many pairs of jeans do you own?never counted...4 or 5
{seven} if you could have any job, what would it be?a photographer{eight} have you ever ridden in an ambulance?no
{nine} how many pillows do you sleep with?one
{ten} on a scale of 1-5, how organized are you?I used to be more organized...lately though not very????
okay, your turn!
So after checking out my friend Barb's blog I was inspired to get back to my blog. This is just a little Wee Wednesday question activity to get me started. It has been way too long. We have a new puppy here at our house, and we are loving her along with our older lab Cayenne. Life is good. This year I picked the word HEAL for my word of the year. I am working at finding that in my everyday life and in the lives of those I love. I am enjoying today's sunshine, and the chance to listen to the click click of the keys as I type this out. I have missed writing here and putting my thoughts down ....well not paper, but a screen. I am going to start journalling and that is another way and place to get my heart and head sorted out into something more concrete. I hope you will stop by and take a look from time to time. Please let me know what you think. So thank you Barb for the inspiration to get back to my blog, and to writing down some things. I find it helpful to write about what I am grateful for. So today I thought since it is January 26th (wasn't it just Christmas) I would jot down 26 things I am grateful for... here goes...one-my faithtwo-my familythree-homefour-friendsfive-my worksix-my dogsseven-my blogeight-my scrapbooking passionnine-my staff team at Griffin'sten-my cameraeleven-my pvrtwelve-Jayde's teacherthirteen-That my teenager is home & safefourteen-my girlfriends who are always there to listenfifteen-movies...i love moviessixteen-musicseventeen-time to readeighteen-prayernineteen-children (all of them, not just mine)twenty-time to play cribtwenty-two-people's honesty and opennesstwenty three-my husband love & supporttwenty-four-the beauty of nature around metwenty-five-the ability to feel gratefultwenty-six-today
So there you have it. It was hard to get back to the blog, however here it is and I hope to be back sooner rather than later. Thanks for taking the time to check it out. I include a photo of Saje. Thought you might want to see her if you haven't meet her yet. She is a real sweetie who has taught me so much in just a few short weeks. Thank you God for all the blessings you Grace my life with. I am trying everyday to be Grateful.
Sheri

Mom's Weekend Away

2010-12-10T10:03:00.000-08:00

It has taken me a while to get to this post. I have been busy. I know we are all busy. It is that time of the year. I have found though that I am not stressed. I am finding the JOY in each day and taking it one day at a time. I even went to bed one Sunday night completely spent with my house a mess, and awoke to a clean kitchen AND folded laundry. My HUSBAND is awesome. Anyway I digress... I wanted to share some photos from our fantastic four day break in Pender Harbour. We were so blessed to have the most stunningly beautiful home to be in, on the water and the weather was pretty good. I was able to get out for a nice long walk, and two KAYAKing adventures. I am hooked. I can't wait to try it again. I want to take some lessons and perhaps get Jayde to join me too.

The weekend had many awesome highlights and loads of great memories were made. As usual the time flew by and we enjoyed one another. This year I did more watching movies, playing cards, and enjoying the natural setting than actually scrapbooking...this was perfect. I love living and experiencing new things. I love doing those things with my best friends. I had so much fun. Laughing, singing to our tunes, sharing meals and just having time to hang out with some of the most amazing women in my life.

I am so blessed to be a friend and to have friends. There is such beauty and uniqueness in each friendship. I have been given so much love, support and laughter from these women. They are the ones who I share this journey with. They are there for me in the joy, the mess and the muck. I love that. That I can be myself and they still love me. I really do appreciate the strength I can draw on from them, the weakness that we can overcome by walking alongside one another. God is good.

Last night we had our bake exchange, and we missed Nina. I can't wait until we are all together again in the same room. This is something that makes me very happy and blessed. Cheers Ladies...I love you.

Things I Love Today. . .

2010-11-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

Today...which in half an hour will become tomorrow, I wanted to share.. I wanted to create a post about what I Love today. So

that I will have a record of it and because There are some very amazing and talented people out there I thought you should know.. . . So here goes...somethings have a photo, some a link and some...are just recorded. So enjoy my list...

My gate...I walk through it everyday and everyday it makes me smile. Some of you know, I have a thing for gates and fences and this little piece of stain glass lets sunlight in and provides a peek into our garden...I just love it.

I love this plant that Craig bought for me, it adds a wonderful splash of colour and is very cheery even on those rainy damp days. It is by our back door beside this beautiful Chrysanthemum, which was delivered by the flower fairy. I am so so blessed.

Something that I love today, and have been enjoying for several months actually is this blog I have been following. I am in awe of the photos Jon-Mark captures for people, and I am very thrilled to be attending his upcoming workshop on photography.http://jonmarkblog.squarespace.com/ Check out his work.

There is something else I've been trying to do of late and that is become better at doing our part to help protect the environment. A wonderful woman in our neighbourhood has a company called "EVERY LITTLE BIT" and they have a great website. One of the items they sell are SNACKTAXI (s). These fantastic velcro closing washable and reuseable bags make packing lunches a snap. (PLUS if you ask anyone who knows me....I have a thing for cute containers and packages.) http://www.everylittlebitgreen.com/

I am also loving this Greek Yogurt I found at Costco. Love it with some fruit and almonds...Yummy for Breakie.

While on the subject of food...love the fresh avocado I mashed and then added beautiful red juicy pomegranate. My friend Corrina turned me on to it last year and I think it looks and tastes fantastic...

New Leaf Counselling...fantastic and amazing journeys ahead, even though I know there is tough stuff to recognize, work through and challenge. Janna I think you are amazing That isn't just a THOUGHT...I

believe it. http://www.newleafcounselling.com

My Coffee...love it with fb or friends in real life.

Watching Jayde play in the pile of leaves on the way home today.

Today I loved...